I’d just come off what felt like a particularly unproductive Monday when I opened an email from Toni Reece, President of The PEOPLE Academy, Inc., and the brainchild behind The Get Inspired! Project. Toni, a personal and business development coach, wanted to let me know that the recent interview she conducted with me was up and on the Get Inspired! website (http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/).

I was honored to be chosen for Toni’s pet project: Exploring what inspires us and how we inspire others. Hers is a lofty goal – conducting 365 interviews over 365 days, and sharing them in a blog format similar to that of Julie and Julia, one of her own inspirations based on the true story of a woman who writes a daily blog about her goal of creating all of the recipes in Julia Child’s cookbook “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in one year’s time.

I’m Day 160. After having read Days 1 – 159, and gaining a glimpse into the lives of so many unique men and women, I wasn’t sure there was anything I could offer that would possibly be seen as inspirational. Yet the amazing, truly humbling reality is that someone, somewhere will find my words and my story motivating. They might be traveling a similar path or resonate with a particular word, or sentence, or thought, and in that moment a connection will be made and shared and passed on into the world.

Isn’t that what we’re all really here to do? Give and receive inspiration? Be a source of strength and a receiver of strength when it’s most needed?  In a way this interview was a test for me. A test of my commitment to living a more authentic and honest life. I’ve been working very hard these past few years to embrace my imperfections, and to honor the truth that not every moment of my life is sanguine and picturesque.

In the interview with Toni I talk about this very thing: “I think in a lot of ways I put up walls for people, because I always tried to come across as someone who has their stuff together all the time, and I thought that was doing people a service and that that’s what people needed to see in order to be inspired.  And then I realized that really that’s not the answer, because sometimes it can seem like it’s a goal that’s too lofty and not reachable.  So I’ve been over the years learning how to be more human, to be more fully human, and to me there’s nothing more inspirational than someone who is fully human and embracing both the good and the bad in themselves.”

By listening to other people’s stories – the challenges and adversity they’ve been through – and the magnificent way they’ve managed to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes and create a meaningful life, it’s given me permission to speak about my own journey. That’s the inspiration I’m hoping lights a fire for someone else who chooses to read or listen to my story. http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/.

You’ll find all The Get Inspired! Project interviews here: http://www.getinspiredproject.com. Set aside some time to read or listen and share your comments with Toni. I’m sure you’ll come away energized, amazed, and yes, INSPIRED!

How do you inspire people? What inspires you? I’d love for you to share your thoughts here on my blog…

In the past five months that I’ve spent interviewing women for my forthcoming book on navigating midlife, something rather interesting has come up. In almost equal numbers, midlife women are lining up for or against feeling “invisible” as a result of being 40 and older.

I wasn’t really expecting any one answer when I asked the question about whether or not they felt the media was ignoring them, but I guess I was assuming the responses would be less divided between two opposing camps of thought. 

After talking with more than 60 women from all across the country, about 50% expressed concern that they were becoming marginalized because of their advancing years. The other 50% had no such concerns, in fact, I had to define more clearly and concisely what I meant by “invisible” in order for them to answer the question. It just wasn’t on their radar.

It got me thinking about what could account for such a stark difference in perspective. Did it have anything to do with how each person felt they were noticed in their younger years? Would someone who was attractive and used to having attention paid to her because of her looks be someone who begins to feel the world is seeing past her as she ages?  Does it have anything to do with attractiveness, or is it something else entirely?

I do know that regardless of which camp these women landed in, neither side had any intention of actually being invisible. Whether or not they felt that the media has failed to keep pace with the midlife woman, they weren’t buying into the outdated belief that any woman past the age of 35 should be fitted for support hose and a rocking chair.

The women I’ve talked with are keenly aware of the various challenges that come with aging, and especially with aging as a woman in our culture. There are few, if any, role models to show them the way, so once again they are the trailblazers for the generations of women coming up behind them – just as they were in the previous decades. It’s a responsibility they don’t take lightly.

I’ve interviewed women who are changing their careers at midlife and beyond; who are going back to college to get their advanced degrees (one woman shared with me her decision to get her PhD so that she can work with teenagers- she’ll be 82 when she’s done with school); who are becoming artists, writers, vagabond travelers, social activists, and the list goes on and on.

What truly makes the difference between aging positively and aging that smacks of loss and decline is attitude. What women should be focusing on – and many, many already are – is acting their stage, not acting their chronological age, since improved health, wealth and resources have given most of them the opportunity to live another 25 years or more once they pass the 50 mile marker. That’s a tremendous stretch of time to spend sitting idly by, watching the world move on without them. Trust me, that is not a role I expect these boomer women to accept.

As a woman who sits squarely in the 50+ demographic, I have never felt more alive, more certain of who and what I am, and more passionate about what I want to share with the world. I do find it rather ironic that just as I feel like I’ve got it all together and am ready to explode out into the world, I’m sensing the cloak of invisibility nipping at my heels. But no worries – I can and will definitely outrun it, and I expect to have a lot of company along the way.

For those of you who are 40 and older, I’d really like to know where you fall in terms of feeling “invisible.” Do you feel the media and advertising does an effective job of marketing appropriately to the 40+ woman? If yes, tell me why you feel this way. If it’s no, please share your reasons and suggestions on what can be done better. Let’s dish, ladies!

A former colleague of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer. 55 years young and the president of a marketing company, to the outside world she is the epitome of health and success. When she was first diagnosed she chose not to disclose her medical condition to her staff and peers out of fear they would see her as less capable. I write this with nothing but respect for her many and varied accomplishments – I know how hard she’s worked to get where she is today. She’s a fighter. She’s ambitious. She’s also an imposter.

What I mean by “imposter” is that she feels like an imposter. Despite all the accolades from her peers; despite all her skills and abilities, and her meteoric rise within the company, in her mind she believes it’s only a matter of time before everyone discovers that she’s “faking it.” Rather than offering assurance, each new achievement and subsequent challenge only serves to intensify her ever-present fear of being found out.

There’s a name for this phenomenon: Imposter Syndrome. Research that began in 1978 with the work of psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes found that many women with notable achievements also had high levels of self-doubt which couldn’t be equated with self-esteem, anxiety, or other traits, and appeared to involve a deep sense of inauthenticity and an inability to internalize their successes. 

These individuals often have the belief they are “fooling” other people, are “faking it” or getting by because they have the right contacts or are just plain “lucky.” Many hold a belief they’ll be exposed as frauds or fakes. Imposter Syndrome goes far beyond normal bouts of self-doubt.

Referring to imposter feelings among career women, trainer, public speaker and consultant Valerie Young, PhD notes that their fears can “prevent them from fully enjoying their success and seizing opportunities, and can cause them to overwork to compensate for supposed deficiencies. “

“But ‘imposters’ are not the only ones who pay a price,” she continues, “the cost to their companies in terms of unrealized human potential can be enormous… When qualified workers fear risks, get caught in the ‘expert trap,’ and are prone to perfectionism and procrastination, there’s a leak in the corporation’s human resources pool.”

To become more aware of imposter thinking, Young suggests, among other things, looking for stereotyping and self-defeating attitudes that can be reflected in speech, such as women prefacing sentences with disclaimers like “This may not be right, but…” and discounting accomplishments with “Anyone could have done it” or “It wasn’t much.”

For those dealing with Imposter Syndrome, some standard behaviors emerge which include:

• dismissive attitude when praised
• feeling that peers with the same responsibilities are more mature
• reluctance to accept new responsibilities or challenges for fear of failure
• unnatural reaction to constructive criticism
• worrying that others will begin to realize their shortcomings

Women executives like my friend commonly suffer from Imposter Syndrome, especially as they climb the corporate ladder. Some reports state that females more than males feel conflicted between jobs and family. In addition, they may develop inferior feelings in the face of male peers who exhibit greater confidence in the workplace. All of these issues, ranging from guilt to inequitable pay, can contribute to Imposter Syndrome in successful women. 

Experts also suggest that women tend to internalize their feelings to a greater extent than men. Researchers therefore theorize that if something goes wrong, women tend to blame themselves, whether or not they were, in fact, at fault. Men, on the other hand, more readily accept the fact that some things are beyond their control. Internalizing these beliefs, rather than discussing them can lead to other emotional issues, including depression and low self-esteem. Over time, harbored Imposter Syndrome can make it difficult to accept praise for any level of accomplishment. 

Ironically, it was the cancer diagnosis that freed her from the relentless grip of Imposter Syndrome. There’s nothing like the possibility of death to force you to face self-defeating behaviors. It was difficult for her to describe the feeling that came with discovering her vague feelings of self-doubt, angst and intellectual fraudulence had a name, and realizing she wasn’t alone was liberating. The experience proved to be a turning point in her life, both professionally and personally. She made the life-altering decision to learn why so many intelligent women like herself set themselves up to fall short. 

According to Dr. Valerie Young author of “Top 10 Ways to Feel as Bright and Capable as Everyone THINKS You Are, ” there are a number of ways to mitigate the negative effects of Imposter Syndrome:

• Recognize imposter feelings when they come up. Awareness is the first step to change, so ensure you track these thoughts: what they are and when they emerge.

• Rewrite your mental script. Instead of telling yourself they are going to find you out or that you don’t deserve success, remind yourself that it’s normal not to know everything and that you will find out more as you progress.

• Talk about your feelings. There may be others who feel like imposters too – it’s better to have an open dialogue rather than harbor negative thoughts alone.

• Consider the context. Most people will experience occasions where they don’t feel 100% confident. There may be times when you feel out of your element and self-doubt can be a normal reaction. If you catch yourself thinking that you are useless, reframe it: “The fact that I feel useless right now doesn’t mean that I really am.”

• Reframe failure as a learning opportunity. Find out the lessons and use them constructively in the future. Use what you’ve learned to minimize your future feelings of self-doubt.

• Be kind to yourself. Remember that you’re entitled to make mistakes occasionally and forgive yourself. Don’t forget to reward yourself for getting the important things right.

• Seek support. Everyone needs help: recognize that you can seek assistance and that you don’t have to do everything alone. Whether it’s a therapist, a friend or someone experiencing the same phenomenon, reach out and bring the problem out in the open where it can be addressed.

• Visualize your success. Keep your eye on the outcome – completing the task or making the presentation, which will keep you focused and calm.

You know that old saying: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans? That’s what happened to me this past week when I should have been getting Day 7 of my 7 part series posted here. I can blame it on “stuff” getting in the way – like my planning my teleclass, or my daughter’s baby shower, or problems with my computer. Or I can just fess up to it being more about poor planning on my part.  I goofed. I thought I had more time to get ‘er all done, but I didn’t, and so it’s day 7 plus 5. Mea culpa…

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success.

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Mindy’s Story

When I think about my childhood, I understand now how much I was deeply shaped by my culture and upbringing. I grew up in the suburbs, with a mom who was a traditional wife and mother, and a dad who was a high-powered trial attorney. We didn’t want for anything, but despite that very privileged lifestyle, I learned early on that I needed to be successful monetarily – or at least, marry into money. Either you married success or you did it yourself, and that’s what made you a worthwhile person.

Looking back, I can see that this was a tremendous ingrained fear – this deep-seated need to have money in order to have security. It was always lurking in the back of my mind: Do I have enough? Can I make enough? And yet the thought of being responsible for it paralyzed me.

I remember my dad shaking his head and saying, “Mindy, you better marry well” when I came home with a C on one too many math tests. My interest and talents were more artistic than practical, so I went the route of marrying into money rather than making my own. That sounds so cold-blooded and calculating, and it was neither. I didn’t set out to find a wealthy man. I wanted to find the right man; the one I could love and raise a family with, but on an unconscious level I was being drawn to men of means because of the conditioned messages that kept playing in my head.

Fast forward to my 25^th birthday – I was the mother of an 18 month old daughter, and 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband was an associate with a law firm in Atlanta – the same firm his father was a partner in, and his father before him. I had married into tradition; stability; and a white-bread mentality that, while comforting when I was younger, became constricting and repressive as I got older.

I didn’t know much about my husband’s job other than he worked incredibly long hours, traveled a great deal and was paid handsomely. He took care of the bills, the taxes, the investments and I took care of the children and the house. We lived my parents’ marriage. I didn’t push the issue because the thought of balancing a checkbook or sorting through mounds of financial paperwork literally caused me to break out into a sweat. I would hear my father’s voice, dripping with disdain “Marry well.” The shame would burn my cheeks.

Fast forward to my 38^th birthday – I was the mother of two teenagers, and the wife of a criminal. After 13 years of security and stability, my life was in shambles. The unraveling began nine months earlier when my husband was charged with tax evasion and a host of other white-collar crimes. In the months preceding his arrest he managed to clean out our bank accounts and hide whatever he could in offshore accounts.

My birthday present that year was a $350,000 tax bill and no means of paying it. Thus began the death of the old Mindy, and the emergence of the new Mindy, who was no longer going to let anyone other than herself provide for her. As painful as that nine months was, it was in truth, and not at all coincidentally, like giving birth. I was giving birth to my life – fully and completely, with all its terror and triumphs at the age of 38.

The very thing I feared was the very thing I became. And once I got over the fear and stopped listening to those messages from childhood, I learned that I really enjoyed working with numbers. I had a knack for it. I was good at it. My experience was the catalyst to my becoming a financial advisor (how ironic is that); my passion is to help women take off the same blinders I had worn and take responsibility for their financial future. On a low day I can still sometimes hear my dad’s sarcastic chuckle, see the sideways shake of his head, and for a moment I’m that powerless little girl again. But only for a moment.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Marilyn’s Story

All I can ever remember wanting to be was an attorney. Then I spent a year as an exchange student in London and met my husband. We married, returned to California and instead of attending law school I opted to work so we could afford a house and then have a family.

I became a stay at home mom and really enjoyed it, but also rose to the top in several volunteer positions and found that I really liked being a leader and also having a cause to pursue. I think wanting to be an attorney was all about being a warrior. In any event, when my kids grew up and moved away, I thought about law school again, but decided I wasn’t willing to do the work and make the sacrifices it would involve.

Instead, I started my own Professional Organizing business. It was supposed to be a fun, part time hobby (we didn’t need the money). Well it became so successful that it took over my life and became a full time, very successful business. I didn’t even KNOW I liked business, but found out that I loved marketing and sales.

As time went by and I became more successful I had to decide if I wanted to continue growing or just keep to being small. I didn’t want to live with the “what ifs” and “if only’s” so I continued to grow the business. I became a business development coach and speaker.

The trouble was, I often missed my husband and never had time for myself either. I had a stack of “just for fun” books, but no time to read them.

Not too long ago we bought a holiday house on a lake in order to be near our kids and grandkids. The first time I stepped out on the dock and looked out over the serene water, I knew I was ready to slow down and read those books. I WANTED to slow down. I had never considered it before.

So my new goal this year is to develop a business model where I don’t have to travel but can still speak, teach and coach – just as long as I don’t miss my hubby and I have time for myself and the lake.

Turning points come at unexpected times and you must be ready to recognize that turning point when it arrives. I might have ignored the lake calling to me a year ago.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

_________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Michele’s Story

From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a performer. When I turned 18 I went to New York City to study dance and theater. I was blessed to have received a dance scholarship and my goal was to pursue acting full time when I graduated, but after a few years of barely scraping by a voice in my head told me: “You’ve got to stop thinking like a child and get a real job.”

Truthfully, a lot of this internal voice came from my parents, who even though supportive of my talents and abilities, always wanted me to be realistic about my career. They liked to remind me of the dismal percentage of actors who ever became stars.  How was I going to support myself?

So I listened. I began pursuing the corporate route in publishing, but I just couldn’t give up acting completely. I did off-Broadway plays for little to no money, doing shows and rehearsing in the evenings after working full time during the day. I’d do a couple of productions a year, and because I also loved to write, I wrote monologues and short stories, too.

As the years went by, more and more time was taken away from the creative work I loved in place of my corporate responsibilities. I wasn’t unhappy at work. I got involved in the different projects they’d assign me to and my co-workers were nice. It was all okay, and yet I’d find that by mid afternoon I’d be exhausted and want to go to bed, but I’d push through it until the evening when I’d get to rehearsal and I’d be full of energy again.

My corporate life was very structured and my work wasn’t that challenging. It was stable, though, and the pay was really good so I’d tell myself to be grateful I didn’t have to worry about money. Maybe if I’d been more miserable I would have done something sooner instead of remaining stuck in an unfulfilling life. I had the routine Sunday evening dread, the feeling like my life wasn’t really my own, and yet I didn’t take any action to make a real change. I just kept rationalizing; telling myself I was being selfish and childish to keep thinking about performing as a career. I had responsibilities to my husband, who seemed quite content with the way things were.

Then, at the age of 35 I got an out-of-the-blue call from a man I’d worked with many years earlier who was producing a play in California and he wanted me to choreograph it for him. When I first received the call I told myself: “This is crazy. You can’t do this. You can’t quit your job, leave your husband and go out to California for 4 months.” At the same time, I heard this little voice inside me telling me I needed to pay attention to this opportunity. This time, the inner voice won out.

I had the most amazing time in L.A. Being back in that environment full time made me come alive. I was working harder and working longer hours than ever before, but I didn’t care because I felt so engaged; so happy to be part of it all. I didn’t want it to end. But it did. I remember sitting in the airport waiting for my flight back to New York and thinking: “Now I have to go back to my real life,” and there was no joy in that thought.

Back in New York I was miserable. Where before I had managed to trudge along, not really happy or sad, after getting a taste of the life I truly wanted it was impossible for me to reconcile the joy I felt in L.A. with what I now felt. I was torn between my need to be responsible and my desire to live life on my own terms. So, I vacillated. I bounced back and forth between being pragmatic and being a dreamer, never quite able to let go of the memories of those four months in California.

When I finally drummed up the courage to talk to my husband, I was sure he’d be anything but supportive. I was wrong. He’d seen the woman who came home from L.A. all fired up and alive and he liked her. He’d watched as that fire slowly banked until there were only a few remaining embers. More important to him than the security of two steady incomes was having a wife who wasn’t disconnected from him, from their life together, from everything.

I took it one step at a time, going from full time to part time, to working as an independent consultant. I used the extra free time to pursue my new life. I joined a theater company, and I’m writing all the time, doing plays and assisting with choreography. The work is far less fragmented than I thought it would be, and now that I place a firm value on what I have to offer, I’m being paid better, too.

I had been so depressed in the past, and yet I wasn’t able to take that first step toward the life I knew I wanted. I had to learn to trust myself, and to trust the little voice inside of me. I had to learn to close the gap between responsibility and passion, and discovered that it doesn’t have to be either/or. I can choose the life I’m meant to live and still be responsible. I can show up every day; give it 100% of my effort and be paid for my talents and abilities. I learned I want more than to just make a living. I want to make a life.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success… 

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Simone’s Story

I’ve always been a very driven person. Being the youngest of 5 children and the only girl was fodder for intense competition. Yet I didn’t feel different because I was a girl. I wanted to fit in with them, and I learned early on that crying or complaining didn’t get me anywhere, so I had to play by their rules.

When I left law school and embarked on my career, I landed an associate position in a San Francisco law firm with nearly 500 attorneys. My childhood prepared me for working in a male-dominated, conservative culture so I made the transition quite seamlessly. I worked extremely hard, achieved well and was respected.

I knew how to navigate in male cultures quite well, and was a keen observer of the different workplace dynamics of male versus female behavior. I recognized the nonverbal clues – dress, mannerisms, demeanor – and was willing to subordinate my “feminine side” in order to be successful. It didn’t feel wrong to me since it was something I’d been used to since childhood. I viewed it more as “playing the game,” and since my competitive spirit wanted to win, I did what I had to do to get ahead.

After 16 years this cultural mentality began to chaff. As I moved from my 30s into my 40s I began to resent having to check my femininity at the door in order to be seen by my colleagues and higher-ups as effective. I began to balk at having to downplay certain aspects of my personality because it didn’t mesh with the mores of the firm. I began to realize that there might be another way – a way that was less about competition and more about collaboration.

These feelings were fueled by the fact that, despite being a high achiever, I wasn’t receiving the respect or appreciation that I deserved for what I was bringing to the table. Younger colleagues – lawyers with stronger credentials such as “Harvard” or “Yale” and greater financial achievements – were climbing ahead of me. Suddenly after all these years I wasn’t at the head of the pack any longer, and I didn’t want to do what was required to get there. And the more emphasis my firm placed on these credentials and achievements, the more dissatisfied I became.

I no longer felt like I fit in. I wasn’t “winning” at the game, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to anymore. I came to the realization that none of it was working any longer – not the environment; not the measurements for success and promotion; not the perfunctory leadership. That, coupled with the fact that my two daughters were growing up and I felt a real longing to be there for them in a more substantial way than I had before led me to make some necessary changes.

Where ten years ago I would have felt like a failure for giving up, I now know that “winning at all costs” is not winning at all. I never stopped loving the law, or what I did for a living. What I stopped loving was the way I did it.  Today I am a partner in a 5-person law firm (3 of whom are women) and I am seeing my career through a new lens more focused on integration, respect, consensus, inclusion and appreciation. My competitive spirit is still there, but now it’s augmented by other aspects of my personality that temper its excessive, ego-driven qualities.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success… 

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we knowthat what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

 Carole’s Story

It’s 4:30 in the morning, the same time I got up each day for 27 years. What’s different is the reason I get up, and where I get up; well, really everything is different. For close to three decades I worked in the corporate world where early start times and long hours were the norm. My view was the still-sleeping city passing by in a blur as I looked out the window of the L-train that took me into downtown Philadelphia and my office on the 17^th floor.

Now my view is the gallery across the street from mine, on a winding stretch of road that dates back to the 1800s. It’s been six years since I walked away from the lucrative salary, the generous benefits, the exclusive club memberships and first class travel. Six years since I walked away from exhaustion, never-ending deadlines, meetings that ran one into the other, and too many nights in bed alone.

Throughout my career I had focused on just one dimension of myself to the exclusion of all else. I never married. I never had children. My life was my work. Period. I’d like to say there was a definitive crisis that led to my awakening, but it was more like slowly coming out of a dream. Subtle rumblings; moments I’d question my choices when I’d catch a glimpse of a mother laughing with her children; questions – always questions about whether I was living the life I wanted. For years I denied the rumblings. I refused to acknowledge the loss and the intangible grief I felt, focusing instead on the trappings of my material world, and the identity I’d carved out as a high-powered professional woman.

It was a difficult, but crucial lesson to learn that I am so much more than just one job, one role; that I am a multifaceted and complex person (as are we all) with an array of abilities and talents, all wanting to be expressed. When I at long last allowed myself to listen to the rumblings I learned it’s not an “either/or” life, it’s an “everything” life.

So I chose to make the commitment and focus my energies on bringing forth all the aspects of myself that I love and want to honor. I didn’t realize how one-dimensional I’d become. When I quit my job and began reintroducing myself to the world again I was astonished to realize how many people don’t live the corporate life – who have unique businesses, artistic products to sell, and a wealth of things to do. I felt like I’d come out of a trance and was seeing life in full, blazing color again after so many years of seeing it in black and white.

I looked back to when I was a child and thought about those things I loved doing – drawing, coloring, constructing masterpieces out of clay, sticks and paper clips. Where was that child who found such joy in creating? When had I stopped giving my imagination free reign?

Both my parents and the corporate world I lived in frowned on such right-brain thinking. It was seen as frivolous and distracting from the goals at hand. I had blindly accepted that dogma until one day, in my 55^th year of life, I put down my BlackBerry and picked up a paintbrush. Where I used to slash budgets with a stroke of a pen, I now create paintings with the stroke of a brush.

It wasn’t about “becoming” an artist – I had always been one. It was about letting her come out to play again. I had buried these traits, these abilities because they didn’t “fit” the life I lived, but in truth I was the one who didn’t fit the life I’d created. So I created a new one.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Laurie’s Story

In my professional life I followed the path of proving that I could do anything men could do, and better. I went to college, got a good job when I graduated, and started business school at night after working all day. For me, it was all about making money, and gaining power and responsibility. My father was a successful executive, but an angry, driven man, and my childhood fueled my single-minded need to be self-sufficient and invulnerable.

Throughout my 20s and 30s I found satisfaction in my work, rising up the ranks to the position of Vice President of Marketing for a Fortune 500 company at the age of 38. But as time wore on, the work and my experiences grew less and less positive, and I began to feel irritable and angry. Angry at the exceptionally long hours I had to put in; the missed birthday parties and family vacations; the company’s insatiable appetite for growth that wasn’t sustainable, and the endless changes in organizational structure and leadership.

I continued to do this work primarily for the security that came from a large, steady paycheck, terrific benefits, and being associated with some top marketing organizations. Honestly, I hated what I did for a living and who I’d become – as an employee and as a wife and mother. I was constantly angry, overly sensitive and disrespectful of others. I shut down and lost touch with the part of myself that was nurturing, creative and kind.

At the age of 42 I went through a very contentious divorce. After 14 years of marriage, apparently my husband hadn’t liked the person I’d become either. I woke up and said: “This is it. I have to make some changes.” I had to go through a gut-wrenching period of reflection and exploration to excavate the real person beneath all the anger and false bravado. I had to decide what values were most important to me and my children, and what I needed to do to stay true to those values. I wanted my two children to understand the importance of loving who you are and what you stand for.

I emerged committed to a new direction, a new way of living. I decided to start my own marketing business so I could do the kind of work that inspired me, with the clients I wanted to partner with, and be there for my kids in a way I couldn’t be before. In the six years since I made that decision, I haven’t looked back once.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

____________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Since I’m sharing stories about turning points and transformations I thought it only fair to begin with mine. I had a number of mini “a-ha” moments over the course of several years from the age of 45. Mine were more like the vibrations I mentioned earlier – these little nagging voices that resonated somewhere deep within just itching to break to the surface. You’d think I would have welcomed these moments, but in truth I did not. They were uncomfortable. They were unsettling. They interfered with the path I was on and the life I told myself I wanted to live.

They would bubble up to the top, catch my attention long enough for me to realize my discomfort and then I’d push them back down. I wasn’t unhappy. I didn’t hate my job. I loved my husband. So why was I feeling this restlessness? Why was I feeling like there was something more, something I was missing? Just so you know, I’m not a woman who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. I’m a big believer in gratitude; in being present and in the moment. It wasn’t that I wanted what someone else had. I didn’t know what I wanted. 

On the surface, my career as an executive with a national non-profit organization was rewarding. The salary was well above what most non-profits pay; my co-workers were great to work with; I traveled a lot, which I enjoyed; the mission of the organization was compelling and important. And yet, I began to feel a slow draining of my energy, like a hose with a tiny leak in it. It became more and more difficult to rouse myself to the level of commitment and action that was needed to do my job effectively, and that was critically important to me. Giving 70% when I should be giving 100+% was not enough for me.

I would entertain thoughts of moving on to something else; to something that would relight that fire in my belly, but weeks turned into months, which turned into a year, then two, and I was still standing at that fork in the road. I was working long hours, taking care of my elderly mom, newly remarried, and a foster parent to boot. I was so busy I didn’t have time to sit down and really ask myself if this was what I wanted for my life.

 It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with a serious and progressive illness that I reached my full blown “a-ha” moment. I wasn’t at a fork in the road any longer. I was standing at the edge of a cliff.  It may sound like a cliché that it took a major illness to serve as a “wake-up call,” but clichés are based on truth. It often takes a crisis – medical, spiritual, financial, professional – to force someone to make changes.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could reach these “a-ha” moments; if we could navigate these necessary transitions without having to be in crisis? What if we listened a little more intently? What if we acted a little more quickly when the rumblings first begin? What if we took the time we so often spend on others to figure out what we want our lives to look, feel, smell and taste like?          

It takes courage to take that first step; to make that commitment to our own unique turning point. Are you there yet? Are you wondering if there’s something more? Are you unsure what that first step is, but you’re ready to find out? Don’t wait for that crisis to hit. Your unique and sacred path is there waiting for you.

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Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.