Despite living a long and fulfilled life, I wasn’t ready to let her go. And like so many of the women executives I know today, I was overwhelmingly responsible for taking care of her in those final years. As difficult as it was at times to manage all the responsibilities that came with working, raising a foster child, and taking care of my mom, I feel a tremendous void now. As an adult, I realize that will fade with time, but right now the wound is fresh and raw.  So I thought I’d honor my mom by telling you part of her story, and finding a way to make it relevant to what some of you are dealing with in your own life when it comes to taking care of parents and children.

A 93-Year Old Maverick

My mom was one of those women who never saw herself as anything special; certainly not a pioneer or a trailblazer for her generation. She lived her life on her terms, in a way that most women of her time couldn’t comprehend, let alone actually do, and survived experiences that would have crippled many people.

She was born in 1917, and raised in an orphanage following her mother’s death at the age of two. Her father left shortly after, and she didn’t meet him “again” until she was 26 years old and a Sgt. in the Army.

She belonged to the Women’s Army Corp – WACs as they were known back then, and her father was a military man as well. He preferred his role as a Sgt. to his role as a father to my mom, her two brothers and one sister, and so they were separated and placed in different facilities to be raised by strangers. They never did regain what they’d lost in terms of bonding; of feeling connected or part of a family.

As a young adult my mom survived an abusive first marriage, and had to make the agonizing decision to leave her own son in the care of his paternal grandparents because she couldn’t support him on what she made working two jobs. A subjugated, abused wife who was beaten while pregnant and had her vocal chords snapped was the order of the day in her in-laws eyes, but they adored their grandchild.

She got divorced, and spent ten years as a single woman before getting remarried to a man 15 years younger than herself (my father). Among her pioneer adventures, I can add “robbing the cradle” to the list!

At an age when most parents are attending their kids’ high school graduations, my mom became a mother again. She was in her early 40s when my sister and I were born, and, in point of fact, she was 59 when I graduated from high school.

She was a military woman who traveled the world until they disbanded the WACs sometime around 1947. She spent time overseas, but had a passion for New York City and was a self-proclaimed “city girl” who hated bugs, believed even plastic flowers made her sneeze and whose idea of gardening was sending my sister and I out to pull the weeds.

By the time my mom passed away on May 14^th of this year, she was 93 years old. I spent the last 10 years caring for her – first in just small ways and in small increments of time; then for greater and greater time periods, until finally she required 24-hour a day care and I made the painful decision to place her in a nursing home near me.

What Kind of Condiments Do You Want With Your Sandwich?

Her death only 3 weeks ago made me think about the number of women executives in their midlife years who find themselves in similar situations. Women like me who are working full time, traveling for business, preparing children for college, or taking adult children back in to the fold, and trying to find time to care for their aging parent(s). Known as the “Sandwich Generation,” we are the meat between two slices of bread, and that “meat” (or “tomato” if you’re a vegetarian) is usually female.

Carry On

In the majority of cases the responsibility for caring for aging parents falls on women. Regardless of their professional responsibilities they are still expected to carry the load and carry the torch. Having lived this experience for many years, I know how difficult – sometimes impossible – it is to try to keep the flame lit without a strong network of support both at work and at home.

Keeping the Torch Lit

I was fortunate to be working for an organization that gave me the flexibility I needed to care for my mom and to the foster child we were raising at the time. Yet I also knew I wasn’t giving 100% to my job – despite many sleepless nights at the computer.

I was fortunate that my husband was hands on and was willing to share some of the responsibilities, although it was clear that it couldn’t interfere with his own work commitments. He did the most he could on nights and weekends, which left the day shift and everything else to me.

Not all women executives have such a supportive business culture, and not all supervisors understand there is a life beyond the office. In addition, many women execs are single, and without the extra pair of hands and shoulders to count on for help. Still others find “help” to be a dirty word and aren’t at all comfortable relying on others to do what they feel they should be able to do themselves.

Do, Delegate or Disregard

With so many women executives in the “boomer” generation – who have both children and parents requiring a piece of them – how do they navigate this challenge without being depleted in the process? How can women in this position learn to do, delegate or disregard? I would love to hear from those of you already in the midst of this, as well as those of you on the cusp. What are your greatest challenges? Your greatest fears? How has this experience affected both your personal and professional life? How do you (or do you) find time to take care of yourself?

I’d love for you to leave your comments here so we can learn from each other, garner support from each other, and perhaps, just perhaps, read something that might make the journey easier.

I’d just come off what felt like a particularly unproductive Monday when I opened an email from Toni Reece, President of The PEOPLE Academy, Inc., and the brainchild behind The Get Inspired! Project. Toni, a personal and business development coach, wanted to let me know that the recent interview she conducted with me was up and on the Get Inspired! website (http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/).

I was honored to be chosen for Toni’s pet project: Exploring what inspires us and how we inspire others. Hers is a lofty goal – conducting 365 interviews over 365 days, and sharing them in a blog format similar to that of Julie and Julia, one of her own inspirations based on the true story of a woman who writes a daily blog about her goal of creating all of the recipes in Julia Child’s cookbook “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in one year’s time.

I’m Day 160. After having read Days 1 – 159, and gaining a glimpse into the lives of so many unique men and women, I wasn’t sure there was anything I could offer that would possibly be seen as inspirational. Yet the amazing, truly humbling reality is that someone, somewhere will find my words and my story motivating. They might be traveling a similar path or resonate with a particular word, or sentence, or thought, and in that moment a connection will be made and shared and passed on into the world.

Isn’t that what we’re all really here to do? Give and receive inspiration? Be a source of strength and a receiver of strength when it’s most needed?  In a way this interview was a test for me. A test of my commitment to living a more authentic and honest life. I’ve been working very hard these past few years to embrace my imperfections, and to honor the truth that not every moment of my life is sanguine and picturesque.

In the interview with Toni I talk about this very thing: “I think in a lot of ways I put up walls for people, because I always tried to come across as someone who has their stuff together all the time, and I thought that was doing people a service and that that’s what people needed to see in order to be inspired.  And then I realized that really that’s not the answer, because sometimes it can seem like it’s a goal that’s too lofty and not reachable.  So I’ve been over the years learning how to be more human, to be more fully human, and to me there’s nothing more inspirational than someone who is fully human and embracing both the good and the bad in themselves.”

By listening to other people’s stories – the challenges and adversity they’ve been through – and the magnificent way they’ve managed to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes and create a meaningful life, it’s given me permission to speak about my own journey. That’s the inspiration I’m hoping lights a fire for someone else who chooses to read or listen to my story. http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/.

You’ll find all The Get Inspired! Project interviews here: http://www.getinspiredproject.com. Set aside some time to read or listen and share your comments with Toni. I’m sure you’ll come away energized, amazed, and yes, INSPIRED!

How do you inspire people? What inspires you? I’d love for you to share your thoughts here on my blog…

In the past five months that I’ve spent interviewing women for my forthcoming book on navigating midlife, something rather interesting has come up. In almost equal numbers, midlife women are lining up for or against feeling “invisible” as a result of being 40 and older.

I wasn’t really expecting any one answer when I asked the question about whether or not they felt the media was ignoring them, but I guess I was assuming the responses would be less divided between two opposing camps of thought. 

After talking with more than 60 women from all across the country, about 50% expressed concern that they were becoming marginalized because of their advancing years. The other 50% had no such concerns, in fact, I had to define more clearly and concisely what I meant by “invisible” in order for them to answer the question. It just wasn’t on their radar.

It got me thinking about what could account for such a stark difference in perspective. Did it have anything to do with how each person felt they were noticed in their younger years? Would someone who was attractive and used to having attention paid to her because of her looks be someone who begins to feel the world is seeing past her as she ages?  Does it have anything to do with attractiveness, or is it something else entirely?

I do know that regardless of which camp these women landed in, neither side had any intention of actually being invisible. Whether or not they felt that the media has failed to keep pace with the midlife woman, they weren’t buying into the outdated belief that any woman past the age of 35 should be fitted for support hose and a rocking chair.

The women I’ve talked with are keenly aware of the various challenges that come with aging, and especially with aging as a woman in our culture. There are few, if any, role models to show them the way, so once again they are the trailblazers for the generations of women coming up behind them – just as they were in the previous decades. It’s a responsibility they don’t take lightly.

I’ve interviewed women who are changing their careers at midlife and beyond; who are going back to college to get their advanced degrees (one woman shared with me her decision to get her PhD so that she can work with teenagers- she’ll be 82 when she’s done with school); who are becoming artists, writers, vagabond travelers, social activists, and the list goes on and on.

What truly makes the difference between aging positively and aging that smacks of loss and decline is attitude. What women should be focusing on – and many, many already are – is acting their stage, not acting their chronological age, since improved health, wealth and resources have given most of them the opportunity to live another 25 years or more once they pass the 50 mile marker. That’s a tremendous stretch of time to spend sitting idly by, watching the world move on without them. Trust me, that is not a role I expect these boomer women to accept.

As a woman who sits squarely in the 50+ demographic, I have never felt more alive, more certain of who and what I am, and more passionate about what I want to share with the world. I do find it rather ironic that just as I feel like I’ve got it all together and am ready to explode out into the world, I’m sensing the cloak of invisibility nipping at my heels. But no worries – I can and will definitely outrun it, and I expect to have a lot of company along the way.

For those of you who are 40 and older, I’d really like to know where you fall in terms of feeling “invisible.” Do you feel the media and advertising does an effective job of marketing appropriately to the 40+ woman? If yes, tell me why you feel this way. If it’s no, please share your reasons and suggestions on what can be done better. Let’s dish, ladies!

You know that old saying: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans? That’s what happened to me this past week when I should have been getting Day 7 of my 7 part series posted here. I can blame it on “stuff” getting in the way – like my planning my teleclass, or my daughter’s baby shower, or problems with my computer. Or I can just fess up to it being more about poor planning on my part.  I goofed. I thought I had more time to get ‘er all done, but I didn’t, and so it’s day 7 plus 5. Mea culpa…

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success.

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Mindy’s Story

When I think about my childhood, I understand now how much I was deeply shaped by my culture and upbringing. I grew up in the suburbs, with a mom who was a traditional wife and mother, and a dad who was a high-powered trial attorney. We didn’t want for anything, but despite that very privileged lifestyle, I learned early on that I needed to be successful monetarily – or at least, marry into money. Either you married success or you did it yourself, and that’s what made you a worthwhile person.

Looking back, I can see that this was a tremendous ingrained fear – this deep-seated need to have money in order to have security. It was always lurking in the back of my mind: Do I have enough? Can I make enough? And yet the thought of being responsible for it paralyzed me.

I remember my dad shaking his head and saying, “Mindy, you better marry well” when I came home with a C on one too many math tests. My interest and talents were more artistic than practical, so I went the route of marrying into money rather than making my own. That sounds so cold-blooded and calculating, and it was neither. I didn’t set out to find a wealthy man. I wanted to find the right man; the one I could love and raise a family with, but on an unconscious level I was being drawn to men of means because of the conditioned messages that kept playing in my head.

Fast forward to my 25^th birthday – I was the mother of an 18 month old daughter, and 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband was an associate with a law firm in Atlanta – the same firm his father was a partner in, and his father before him. I had married into tradition; stability; and a white-bread mentality that, while comforting when I was younger, became constricting and repressive as I got older.

I didn’t know much about my husband’s job other than he worked incredibly long hours, traveled a great deal and was paid handsomely. He took care of the bills, the taxes, the investments and I took care of the children and the house. We lived my parents’ marriage. I didn’t push the issue because the thought of balancing a checkbook or sorting through mounds of financial paperwork literally caused me to break out into a sweat. I would hear my father’s voice, dripping with disdain “Marry well.” The shame would burn my cheeks.

Fast forward to my 38^th birthday – I was the mother of two teenagers, and the wife of a criminal. After 13 years of security and stability, my life was in shambles. The unraveling began nine months earlier when my husband was charged with tax evasion and a host of other white-collar crimes. In the months preceding his arrest he managed to clean out our bank accounts and hide whatever he could in offshore accounts.

My birthday present that year was a $350,000 tax bill and no means of paying it. Thus began the death of the old Mindy, and the emergence of the new Mindy, who was no longer going to let anyone other than herself provide for her. As painful as that nine months was, it was in truth, and not at all coincidentally, like giving birth. I was giving birth to my life – fully and completely, with all its terror and triumphs at the age of 38.

The very thing I feared was the very thing I became. And once I got over the fear and stopped listening to those messages from childhood, I learned that I really enjoyed working with numbers. I had a knack for it. I was good at it. My experience was the catalyst to my becoming a financial advisor (how ironic is that); my passion is to help women take off the same blinders I had worn and take responsibility for their financial future. On a low day I can still sometimes hear my dad’s sarcastic chuckle, see the sideways shake of his head, and for a moment I’m that powerless little girl again. But only for a moment.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Marilyn’s Story

All I can ever remember wanting to be was an attorney. Then I spent a year as an exchange student in London and met my husband. We married, returned to California and instead of attending law school I opted to work so we could afford a house and then have a family.

I became a stay at home mom and really enjoyed it, but also rose to the top in several volunteer positions and found that I really liked being a leader and also having a cause to pursue. I think wanting to be an attorney was all about being a warrior. In any event, when my kids grew up and moved away, I thought about law school again, but decided I wasn’t willing to do the work and make the sacrifices it would involve.

Instead, I started my own Professional Organizing business. It was supposed to be a fun, part time hobby (we didn’t need the money). Well it became so successful that it took over my life and became a full time, very successful business. I didn’t even KNOW I liked business, but found out that I loved marketing and sales.

As time went by and I became more successful I had to decide if I wanted to continue growing or just keep to being small. I didn’t want to live with the “what ifs” and “if only’s” so I continued to grow the business. I became a business development coach and speaker.

The trouble was, I often missed my husband and never had time for myself either. I had a stack of “just for fun” books, but no time to read them.

Not too long ago we bought a holiday house on a lake in order to be near our kids and grandkids. The first time I stepped out on the dock and looked out over the serene water, I knew I was ready to slow down and read those books. I WANTED to slow down. I had never considered it before.

So my new goal this year is to develop a business model where I don’t have to travel but can still speak, teach and coach – just as long as I don’t miss my hubby and I have time for myself and the lake.

Turning points come at unexpected times and you must be ready to recognize that turning point when it arrives. I might have ignored the lake calling to me a year ago.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

_________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Michele’s Story

From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a performer. When I turned 18 I went to New York City to study dance and theater. I was blessed to have received a dance scholarship and my goal was to pursue acting full time when I graduated, but after a few years of barely scraping by a voice in my head told me: “You’ve got to stop thinking like a child and get a real job.”

Truthfully, a lot of this internal voice came from my parents, who even though supportive of my talents and abilities, always wanted me to be realistic about my career. They liked to remind me of the dismal percentage of actors who ever became stars.  How was I going to support myself?

So I listened. I began pursuing the corporate route in publishing, but I just couldn’t give up acting completely. I did off-Broadway plays for little to no money, doing shows and rehearsing in the evenings after working full time during the day. I’d do a couple of productions a year, and because I also loved to write, I wrote monologues and short stories, too.

As the years went by, more and more time was taken away from the creative work I loved in place of my corporate responsibilities. I wasn’t unhappy at work. I got involved in the different projects they’d assign me to and my co-workers were nice. It was all okay, and yet I’d find that by mid afternoon I’d be exhausted and want to go to bed, but I’d push through it until the evening when I’d get to rehearsal and I’d be full of energy again.

My corporate life was very structured and my work wasn’t that challenging. It was stable, though, and the pay was really good so I’d tell myself to be grateful I didn’t have to worry about money. Maybe if I’d been more miserable I would have done something sooner instead of remaining stuck in an unfulfilling life. I had the routine Sunday evening dread, the feeling like my life wasn’t really my own, and yet I didn’t take any action to make a real change. I just kept rationalizing; telling myself I was being selfish and childish to keep thinking about performing as a career. I had responsibilities to my husband, who seemed quite content with the way things were.

Then, at the age of 35 I got an out-of-the-blue call from a man I’d worked with many years earlier who was producing a play in California and he wanted me to choreograph it for him. When I first received the call I told myself: “This is crazy. You can’t do this. You can’t quit your job, leave your husband and go out to California for 4 months.” At the same time, I heard this little voice inside me telling me I needed to pay attention to this opportunity. This time, the inner voice won out.

I had the most amazing time in L.A. Being back in that environment full time made me come alive. I was working harder and working longer hours than ever before, but I didn’t care because I felt so engaged; so happy to be part of it all. I didn’t want it to end. But it did. I remember sitting in the airport waiting for my flight back to New York and thinking: “Now I have to go back to my real life,” and there was no joy in that thought.

Back in New York I was miserable. Where before I had managed to trudge along, not really happy or sad, after getting a taste of the life I truly wanted it was impossible for me to reconcile the joy I felt in L.A. with what I now felt. I was torn between my need to be responsible and my desire to live life on my own terms. So, I vacillated. I bounced back and forth between being pragmatic and being a dreamer, never quite able to let go of the memories of those four months in California.

When I finally drummed up the courage to talk to my husband, I was sure he’d be anything but supportive. I was wrong. He’d seen the woman who came home from L.A. all fired up and alive and he liked her. He’d watched as that fire slowly banked until there were only a few remaining embers. More important to him than the security of two steady incomes was having a wife who wasn’t disconnected from him, from their life together, from everything.

I took it one step at a time, going from full time to part time, to working as an independent consultant. I used the extra free time to pursue my new life. I joined a theater company, and I’m writing all the time, doing plays and assisting with choreography. The work is far less fragmented than I thought it would be, and now that I place a firm value on what I have to offer, I’m being paid better, too.

I had been so depressed in the past, and yet I wasn’t able to take that first step toward the life I knew I wanted. I had to learn to trust myself, and to trust the little voice inside of me. I had to learn to close the gap between responsibility and passion, and discovered that it doesn’t have to be either/or. I can choose the life I’m meant to live and still be responsible. I can show up every day; give it 100% of my effort and be paid for my talents and abilities. I learned I want more than to just make a living. I want to make a life.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success… 

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Simone’s Story

I’ve always been a very driven person. Being the youngest of 5 children and the only girl was fodder for intense competition. Yet I didn’t feel different because I was a girl. I wanted to fit in with them, and I learned early on that crying or complaining didn’t get me anywhere, so I had to play by their rules.

When I left law school and embarked on my career, I landed an associate position in a San Francisco law firm with nearly 500 attorneys. My childhood prepared me for working in a male-dominated, conservative culture so I made the transition quite seamlessly. I worked extremely hard, achieved well and was respected.

I knew how to navigate in male cultures quite well, and was a keen observer of the different workplace dynamics of male versus female behavior. I recognized the nonverbal clues – dress, mannerisms, demeanor – and was willing to subordinate my “feminine side” in order to be successful. It didn’t feel wrong to me since it was something I’d been used to since childhood. I viewed it more as “playing the game,” and since my competitive spirit wanted to win, I did what I had to do to get ahead.

After 16 years this cultural mentality began to chaff. As I moved from my 30s into my 40s I began to resent having to check my femininity at the door in order to be seen by my colleagues and higher-ups as effective. I began to balk at having to downplay certain aspects of my personality because it didn’t mesh with the mores of the firm. I began to realize that there might be another way – a way that was less about competition and more about collaboration.

These feelings were fueled by the fact that, despite being a high achiever, I wasn’t receiving the respect or appreciation that I deserved for what I was bringing to the table. Younger colleagues – lawyers with stronger credentials such as “Harvard” or “Yale” and greater financial achievements – were climbing ahead of me. Suddenly after all these years I wasn’t at the head of the pack any longer, and I didn’t want to do what was required to get there. And the more emphasis my firm placed on these credentials and achievements, the more dissatisfied I became.

I no longer felt like I fit in. I wasn’t “winning” at the game, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to anymore. I came to the realization that none of it was working any longer – not the environment; not the measurements for success and promotion; not the perfunctory leadership. That, coupled with the fact that my two daughters were growing up and I felt a real longing to be there for them in a more substantial way than I had before led me to make some necessary changes.

Where ten years ago I would have felt like a failure for giving up, I now know that “winning at all costs” is not winning at all. I never stopped loving the law, or what I did for a living. What I stopped loving was the way I did it.  Today I am a partner in a 5-person law firm (3 of whom are women) and I am seeing my career through a new lens more focused on integration, respect, consensus, inclusion and appreciation. My competitive spirit is still there, but now it’s augmented by other aspects of my personality that temper its excessive, ego-driven qualities.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

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Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Since I’m sharing stories about turning points and transformations I thought it only fair to begin with mine. I had a number of mini “a-ha” moments over the course of several years from the age of 45. Mine were more like the vibrations I mentioned earlier – these little nagging voices that resonated somewhere deep within just itching to break to the surface. You’d think I would have welcomed these moments, but in truth I did not. They were uncomfortable. They were unsettling. They interfered with the path I was on and the life I told myself I wanted to live.

They would bubble up to the top, catch my attention long enough for me to realize my discomfort and then I’d push them back down. I wasn’t unhappy. I didn’t hate my job. I loved my husband. So why was I feeling this restlessness? Why was I feeling like there was something more, something I was missing? Just so you know, I’m not a woman who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. I’m a big believer in gratitude; in being present and in the moment. It wasn’t that I wanted what someone else had. I didn’t know what I wanted. 

On the surface, my career as an executive with a national non-profit organization was rewarding. The salary was well above what most non-profits pay; my co-workers were great to work with; I traveled a lot, which I enjoyed; the mission of the organization was compelling and important. And yet, I began to feel a slow draining of my energy, like a hose with a tiny leak in it. It became more and more difficult to rouse myself to the level of commitment and action that was needed to do my job effectively, and that was critically important to me. Giving 70% when I should be giving 100+% was not enough for me.

I would entertain thoughts of moving on to something else; to something that would relight that fire in my belly, but weeks turned into months, which turned into a year, then two, and I was still standing at that fork in the road. I was working long hours, taking care of my elderly mom, newly remarried, and a foster parent to boot. I was so busy I didn’t have time to sit down and really ask myself if this was what I wanted for my life.

 It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with a serious and progressive illness that I reached my full blown “a-ha” moment. I wasn’t at a fork in the road any longer. I was standing at the edge of a cliff.  It may sound like a cliché that it took a major illness to serve as a “wake-up call,” but clichés are based on truth. It often takes a crisis – medical, spiritual, financial, professional – to force someone to make changes.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could reach these “a-ha” moments; if we could navigate these necessary transitions without having to be in crisis? What if we listened a little more intently? What if we acted a little more quickly when the rumblings first begin? What if we took the time we so often spend on others to figure out what we want our lives to look, feel, smell and taste like?          

It takes courage to take that first step; to make that commitment to our own unique turning point. Are you there yet? Are you wondering if there’s something more? Are you unsure what that first step is, but you’re ready to find out? Don’t wait for that crisis to hit. Your unique and sacred path is there waiting for you.

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Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

According to Samantha Critchell of the Associated Press, 2010 is a “new day” for forty-something women. “Women are where it’s at in the world of entertainment — and we’re talking “women” not “girls” for the most part. Forty-something women, especially Sandra Bullock, had a banner year in 2009, and their influence is expected to continue,” writes Critchell.

She quotes Bonnie Fuller, editor-in-chief of HollywoodLife.com who believes:”There’s a shift in attitude. There’s a total chick blitz in general.” Fuller thinks Hollywood executives will take notice of the success of actresses such as Julianna Margulies, Jennifer Aniston, Kyra Sedgwick, Courteney Cox and their peers, developing movies and TV shows that give them roles that show evolving, desirable sexy characters who don’t hide from their age.

To which I say, almost in tandem: “Hell, yeah!” and “Are you kidding me?” I’m having one of those two-sided conversations with myself about what this endorsement really means. On the one hand, I applaud the greatly overdue recognition by Hollywood and the youth-obsessed media that there really is life out there for women over the age of forty. Not a life of slow and inevitable degeneration like the winding down of a clock, but a life brimming with possibilities. I applaud the acknowledgment, however late in coming, that beauty is not the province of the chronologically gifted (i.e. young), but is something that belongs to all women regardless of their age.

On the other hand I want to do something far less gracious with my hands than applauding (picture something other than the thumbs up sign, and the gesture that used to get my youngest child routinely grounded, if you get my drift). Hollywood giving those of us on the other side of forty the high-five feels rather like we’re being thrown a bone and should feel grateful, like we’re a fad, or the flavor of the month rather than the complex, multi-faceted, amazing creatures  we are – and always have been.

Having Hollywood and the media’s “blessing” isn’t sitting well with me. I want to say: “Who cares?” what men in suits in a town known for unabashed superficiality think about what constitutes bling. And while I am a firm believer that life after forty for women doesn’t mean life without sex – or sex appeal – I chafe at the thought of stereotyping midlife women as “desirable sexy characters who don’t hide from their age.” I’d be happier if the mindset was simply “who don’t hide from their age” and leave sex out of it altogether. Whenever Hollywood brings sex into the equation it’s an immediate red flag for me; a cynical, but time-tested truism that the multi-dimensional forty-something woman will suddenly become rather one-dimensional in the hands of film and media.

I do, however, heartily applaud Meryl Streep, Julianna Marguiles and other over forty actresses who are refusing to play by the rules. After all, who made the rules anyway? I applaud the women I’ve interviewed for my upcoming book on women navigating in and through midlife. I applaud my friends, peers, and family members of the female persuasion who are aging gracefully and fiercely. They aren’t hiding their age. They aren’t flashing a neon sign showcasing their age. Their age is irrelevant. They are too busy charting their path – and it’s often an entirely new path that they themselves have bushwhacked because of so few role models around to have broken trail for them.

Although I commend these mavericks for their trailblazing ways, it’s a myth and a disservice to paint forty-something women as having all the answers. I hope Hollywood errs on the side of caution in its evolving characterizations of women in midlife. Life is messy. Life is complicated. Midlife women continue to struggle with career, family, health and wealth issues. They are dealing with grown children leaving the nest; with young children still in the fold. They are reaching the pinnacle of their careers or their plateaus, and are thinking about what comes next. Some women are dealing with health issues: cancer, heart disease, menopause, unexpected death. Some are uncovering long dormant dreams and talents, others shedding self-limiting beliefs that have dogged them for decades. Divorced. Remarried. Unattached. Forty-something women are no strangers to the ups and downs of living.

Life doesn’t change on the other side of forty. What does change, perhaps, is the way we deal with this ebb and flow in the second half of life. There is something to be said for longevity; for experience; for showing up over and over again that enables us to shake off the trials and tribulations that rain down on us each day.  Midlife women don’t have all the answers – what we have is enough seniority to know we don’t need them in order to shine.

So I raise a toast to my sisters forty and older that you celebrate the year of the “chick blitz”, but do it on your terms. Keep on bushwhacking; keep on redefining and pushing the boundaries of what it means to be a woman in midlife, and I’ll be right there with you. Salute!  

**There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” that’s scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey. If you’re a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels, this call is for you! You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

A recent survey of midlife women conducted by More magazine revealed some interesting (and not surprising) results. When asked to define the most important aspects of a great job, in addition to a good salary and benefits, midlife women told More they need:

• Meaning – to feel that they’re contributing positively     98%
• A job in a growing field with a bright future                          89%
• A high level of freedom or control                                            87%
• A job that’s appropriate for a woman over 40                     79%
• A chance to work a flexible schedule                                      73%

I know these elements are certainly essential to me. One of the main reasons I took the leap to become an entrepreneur in midlife was to fulfill many of these same outcomes, although my career path is a bit different than the norm, since most of it has been based on doing work that enabled me to feel I was contributing positively, and that generally took priority over salary and benefits. As I’ve gotten older I’ve decided that I need more of a merging between money and meaning, and have learned that it’s possible, even necessary, to have them both as front line goals.

When I say the results of the survey aren’t surprising, it’s because this is what I consistently here from my clients and other midlife women I talk with when it comes to what they want in a career at this stage of their lives. In our younger years it’s understandable that the focus might be more on the financial aspects of getting ahead. Climbing the corporate ladder or navigating any organization requires focus and tenacity in order to reach the pinnacle of success. There’s no shame in that. These are honorable goals. I think what happens, though, is as we age into our 40s and 50s our goals shift. They become more expansive. They become about more than just ourselves; they become more about how we relate to the world around us, and how we can take what we’ve learned, what we’ve built over the years, and create a lasting legacy. It’s that “search for significance” I tend to write so much about.

Many women reach a crossroads in their 40s and early 50s where career alone is not enough to sustain them. They’re professional life is starting to feel like a tight pair of shoes. It’s no longer fitting them and the life they want to lead. They are searching for something more. For some that means travelling a totally new path; for others it means finding a way to reconnect with their career in a way that is more meaningful and more heart-centered.  The reasons may vary, but the need is often the same: to merge money and meaning in a way that enables women to achieve a more sacred kind of success.

It can be a painful place to be, and there are often painful questions that need to be asked such as: When did I let my life become not my own? When did I lose touch with myself? How can I be so financially successful and feel so personally bankrupt? While it might feel like that old song “Is This All There Is?” I know – having been there – that it isn’t. There is so much more. There’s a life that has you bounding out of bed with enthusiasm; a life where you control what you do and how you do it; a life of balance, power, passion, and purpose. 

There’s an authentic you showing up for that life; a you who uses your one-of-a-kind voice, abilities, and talents; a you who hasn’t checked one single part of yourself at the door; a you who has explored your core and has tapped into your unlimited wealth. And there’s your own personal vision for your sacred success: the kind of success that makes a difference in the lives of others; the kind of success that merges money and meaning; the kind of success that creates purposeful work and a lasting legacy. 

One of my favorite quotes is by George Eliot who wrote: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.” Ladies, who do you want to be on this next journey? 

***Because this is such a driving force in the lives of so many midlife business women, I’ve put together a free one-hour teleclass:“Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” that’s scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey. If this feels like something you’d like to explore, you can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/programs-and-services/1238.