There’s a growing exodus from the corporate world to the private sector, and executive women are leading this charge. In fact, women are leaving corporate jobs in favor of entrepreneurship at twice the rate of men, according to Cheskin Research, a California-based strategic market research and consulting company.

There are some interesting trends for women entrepreneurs popping up in recent research. According to the Center for Women’s Business Research, the number of women-owned U.S. businesses grew at twice the rate of all firms between 1997 and 2002, and the U.S. Small Business Administration reports that women-owned businesses account for 28% of all privately-owned companies. They employ more than 9 million people and contribute $2.38 trillion in revenue to the U.S. economy.

Which raises a rather interesting question: Why are women executives leaving Corporate America? In the past, women were willing to devote their time, effort and energy to meet the corporation’s goals at the expense of their own needs. Not anymore, however. Women executives are starting their own businesses in order to gain more:

• Freedom
• Flexibility
• Recognition
• Money
• Opportunities
• Other personal benefits and rewards

51% of women business owners who worked in the private sector prior to starting their own business cite the need for more flexibility as the primary reason for leaving corporate positions, according to a study by Catalyst, a nonprofit research and advisory organization working to advance professional women.

29% pointed to restrictive glass-ceiling issues as the reason they “opted out” of Corporate America, and of those women, 44% felt their contributions weren’t recognized or appreciated. “Opted out” is the latest buzzword to describe the growing trend within corporate circles to leave corporate positions in favor of alternate career paths.

According to Catalyst President Sheila Wellington: “As women walk out the door after years of training, what really walks out is the potential that those women would have brought to Corporate America.”

Co-sponsored by the National Foundation for Women Business Owners (NAWBO), the Committee of 200, and Salomon Smith Barney, the Catalyst research revealed that:

• One third of the women surveyed felt they weren’t taken seriously by their employer or supervisor.
• 58% reported that nothing would attract them enough to return to the corporate world.
• 24% said that they could be lured back by more money
• 11% said they could be lured back by greater flexibility

The sad reality is that Corporate America isn’t doing enough to prevent women executives from walking out the door. Companies need to focus on providing flexibility, opportunities for personal growth and continuing challenges if they are to retain women they view as high-potential or who are already significant contributors. In addition, companies need to identify potential women managers early in their careers, and recruit entrepreneurs to senior level positions and corporate boards.

Expanding leadership opportunities for women requires a shift in corporate cultures as well as some “give” by women themselves if true change is to take place. Corporate cultures need to support initiatives that give women high-visibility assignments, hold managers accountable for women’s advancements, and make gender diversity a mandatory part of succession planning.

Women executives can beef up their leadership development by taking on high-profile assignments that carry an element of risk, and should consider investing in coaching services in order to refine their leadership skills – something that will help them excel whether they choose to remain in a corporate setting or venture out on their own.

I’m not sure how smart it is as a business owner to admit I’ve spent the past several weeks in a funk, unable to get myself out of the muck and mire I’ve felt stuck in, but I’m all about transparency and that means putting it out there – even the less than flattering stuff.

The truth is I’ve felt like I’ve lost that spark, that fire in the belly that fuels my passion. As is my usual method of dealing with being out of balance, I’ve spent the past few weeks in remembrance – trying to sort out what’s been holding me back; what’s been holding me in place and preventing me from moving forward. Why the failure to launch? Why so much procrastinating? 

Is it Fear of Failure?

Fear of failing seems so obvious, after all – how many times do we stop ourselves from taking that next step; making that one change out of fear that we won’t be successful? That all our hard work will be for nothing? The big flop.

Is it Fear of Success?

Less apparent is a fear of success. Who in their right mind would be afraid of being successful? Isn’t that what everyone dreams and aspires to become? Logic dictates we shouldn’t be afraid of something that brings us all the favorable trappings of success – money, status, a sense of accomplishment.

The Disconnect

If you’re like me, however, when you procrastinate it’s due to a disconnect between how you see yourself and what you really want. When it’s due to childhood messages from the significant people in your life who repeatedly told you that you weren’t good enough or that you’d never amount to much, these negative judgments continue to dog you. They have an amazingly long shelf life.

Despite the fact that as a business woman you’ve reached an age and a place in your career and life where you know better, under stressful or new situations these messages become remarkably louder. When you decide to take a risk or engage in something that’s outside your comfort zone the alarm in your psyche goes off. The outdated messages go into overdrive. They are in your face – causing you to doubt your abilities, your talents, and your desires.

Of course, who you are based on those long ago negative judgments is not a true indicator of who you are today or what you’re capable of achieving, but the disconnect leaves you frozen in place. Where you are is not where you want to be. Yet how do you merge these two diametrically opposing viewpoints?

You don’t. You can’t. One no longer serves you. It’s a vestige of the past and requires you to find a way to leave it there and put your faith, your effort, and your energies into growing the other – the positive affirmations that allow you to move forward and embrace not just the concept, but the reality of being successful (whatever that means for you, specifically).

Until you find a way to do this, like me, you will continue to bump up against procrastination; will continue to rationalize all the reasons why you aren’t “getting ‘er done” or moving forward. I’ll admit, it’s a continuous struggle. There are days, even weeks when I can’t see – really see – the woman I’ve become. The vision in my mind is blurry, obscured by the doubts and fears that overtake my mind the way the clouds obscure the sun.

The Reconnect

I used to beat myself up for these side trips down memory lane, but I understand now that it’s important to be kind to myself and let the wave pass – because it always does. It passes now because I’ve learned that who I want to be has more intensity, more significance than any false definition of who I used to be.

So now when I find myself with my feet metaphorically stuck in the muck, I stop resisting long enough to quiet my mind and release the messages that fight to keep me stock-still. I work to turn this feeling of stagnation into positive reflection, with all its hopes and possibilities. The old messages quiet; they lose their hold on me, and I take that first step forward with anticipation.

 *Rubber boots photo courtesy of Paul Steinruck – Stoneridge Fine Portraits www.stoneridgefineportraits.com

I’d just come off what felt like a particularly unproductive Monday when I opened an email from Toni Reece, President of The PEOPLE Academy, Inc., and the brainchild behind The Get Inspired! Project. Toni, a personal and business development coach, wanted to let me know that the recent interview she conducted with me was up and on the Get Inspired! website (http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/).

I was honored to be chosen for Toni’s pet project: Exploring what inspires us and how we inspire others. Hers is a lofty goal – conducting 365 interviews over 365 days, and sharing them in a blog format similar to that of Julie and Julia, one of her own inspirations based on the true story of a woman who writes a daily blog about her goal of creating all of the recipes in Julia Child’s cookbook “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in one year’s time.

I’m Day 160. After having read Days 1 – 159, and gaining a glimpse into the lives of so many unique men and women, I wasn’t sure there was anything I could offer that would possibly be seen as inspirational. Yet the amazing, truly humbling reality is that someone, somewhere will find my words and my story motivating. They might be traveling a similar path or resonate with a particular word, or sentence, or thought, and in that moment a connection will be made and shared and passed on into the world.

Isn’t that what we’re all really here to do? Give and receive inspiration? Be a source of strength and a receiver of strength when it’s most needed?  In a way this interview was a test for me. A test of my commitment to living a more authentic and honest life. I’ve been working very hard these past few years to embrace my imperfections, and to honor the truth that not every moment of my life is sanguine and picturesque.

In the interview with Toni I talk about this very thing: “I think in a lot of ways I put up walls for people, because I always tried to come across as someone who has their stuff together all the time, and I thought that was doing people a service and that that’s what people needed to see in order to be inspired.  And then I realized that really that’s not the answer, because sometimes it can seem like it’s a goal that’s too lofty and not reachable.  So I’ve been over the years learning how to be more human, to be more fully human, and to me there’s nothing more inspirational than someone who is fully human and embracing both the good and the bad in themselves.”

By listening to other people’s stories – the challenges and adversity they’ve been through – and the magnificent way they’ve managed to rise like a Phoenix out of the ashes and create a meaningful life, it’s given me permission to speak about my own journey. That’s the inspiration I’m hoping lights a fire for someone else who chooses to read or listen to my story. http://www.getinspiredproject.com/2010/03/09/day-160-evelyn-kalinosky/.

You’ll find all The Get Inspired! Project interviews here: http://www.getinspiredproject.com. Set aside some time to read or listen and share your comments with Toni. I’m sure you’ll come away energized, amazed, and yes, INSPIRED!

How do you inspire people? What inspires you? I’d love for you to share your thoughts here on my blog…

In the past five months that I’ve spent interviewing women for my forthcoming book on navigating midlife, something rather interesting has come up. In almost equal numbers, midlife women are lining up for or against feeling “invisible” as a result of being 40 and older.

I wasn’t really expecting any one answer when I asked the question about whether or not they felt the media was ignoring them, but I guess I was assuming the responses would be less divided between two opposing camps of thought. 

After talking with more than 60 women from all across the country, about 50% expressed concern that they were becoming marginalized because of their advancing years. The other 50% had no such concerns, in fact, I had to define more clearly and concisely what I meant by “invisible” in order for them to answer the question. It just wasn’t on their radar.

It got me thinking about what could account for such a stark difference in perspective. Did it have anything to do with how each person felt they were noticed in their younger years? Would someone who was attractive and used to having attention paid to her because of her looks be someone who begins to feel the world is seeing past her as she ages?  Does it have anything to do with attractiveness, or is it something else entirely?

I do know that regardless of which camp these women landed in, neither side had any intention of actually being invisible. Whether or not they felt that the media has failed to keep pace with the midlife woman, they weren’t buying into the outdated belief that any woman past the age of 35 should be fitted for support hose and a rocking chair.

The women I’ve talked with are keenly aware of the various challenges that come with aging, and especially with aging as a woman in our culture. There are few, if any, role models to show them the way, so once again they are the trailblazers for the generations of women coming up behind them – just as they were in the previous decades. It’s a responsibility they don’t take lightly.

I’ve interviewed women who are changing their careers at midlife and beyond; who are going back to college to get their advanced degrees (one woman shared with me her decision to get her PhD so that she can work with teenagers- she’ll be 82 when she’s done with school); who are becoming artists, writers, vagabond travelers, social activists, and the list goes on and on.

What truly makes the difference between aging positively and aging that smacks of loss and decline is attitude. What women should be focusing on – and many, many already are – is acting their stage, not acting their chronological age, since improved health, wealth and resources have given most of them the opportunity to live another 25 years or more once they pass the 50 mile marker. That’s a tremendous stretch of time to spend sitting idly by, watching the world move on without them. Trust me, that is not a role I expect these boomer women to accept.

As a woman who sits squarely in the 50+ demographic, I have never felt more alive, more certain of who and what I am, and more passionate about what I want to share with the world. I do find it rather ironic that just as I feel like I’ve got it all together and am ready to explode out into the world, I’m sensing the cloak of invisibility nipping at my heels. But no worries – I can and will definitely outrun it, and I expect to have a lot of company along the way.

For those of you who are 40 and older, I’d really like to know where you fall in terms of feeling “invisible.” Do you feel the media and advertising does an effective job of marketing appropriately to the 40+ woman? If yes, tell me why you feel this way. If it’s no, please share your reasons and suggestions on what can be done better. Let’s dish, ladies!

A former colleague of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer. 55 years young and the president of a marketing company, to the outside world she is the epitome of health and success. When she was first diagnosed she chose not to disclose her medical condition to her staff and peers out of fear they would see her as less capable. I write this with nothing but respect for her many and varied accomplishments – I know how hard she’s worked to get where she is today. She’s a fighter. She’s ambitious. She’s also an imposter.

What I mean by “imposter” is that she feels like an imposter. Despite all the accolades from her peers; despite all her skills and abilities, and her meteoric rise within the company, in her mind she believes it’s only a matter of time before everyone discovers that she’s “faking it.” Rather than offering assurance, each new achievement and subsequent challenge only serves to intensify her ever-present fear of being found out.

There’s a name for this phenomenon: Imposter Syndrome. Research that began in 1978 with the work of psychotherapists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes found that many women with notable achievements also had high levels of self-doubt which couldn’t be equated with self-esteem, anxiety, or other traits, and appeared to involve a deep sense of inauthenticity and an inability to internalize their successes. 

These individuals often have the belief they are “fooling” other people, are “faking it” or getting by because they have the right contacts or are just plain “lucky.” Many hold a belief they’ll be exposed as frauds or fakes. Imposter Syndrome goes far beyond normal bouts of self-doubt.

Referring to imposter feelings among career women, trainer, public speaker and consultant Valerie Young, PhD notes that their fears can “prevent them from fully enjoying their success and seizing opportunities, and can cause them to overwork to compensate for supposed deficiencies. “

“But ‘imposters’ are not the only ones who pay a price,” she continues, “the cost to their companies in terms of unrealized human potential can be enormous… When qualified workers fear risks, get caught in the ‘expert trap,’ and are prone to perfectionism and procrastination, there’s a leak in the corporation’s human resources pool.”

To become more aware of imposter thinking, Young suggests, among other things, looking for stereotyping and self-defeating attitudes that can be reflected in speech, such as women prefacing sentences with disclaimers like “This may not be right, but…” and discounting accomplishments with “Anyone could have done it” or “It wasn’t much.”

For those dealing with Imposter Syndrome, some standard behaviors emerge which include:

• dismissive attitude when praised
• feeling that peers with the same responsibilities are more mature
• reluctance to accept new responsibilities or challenges for fear of failure
• unnatural reaction to constructive criticism
• worrying that others will begin to realize their shortcomings

Women executives like my friend commonly suffer from Imposter Syndrome, especially as they climb the corporate ladder. Some reports state that females more than males feel conflicted between jobs and family. In addition, they may develop inferior feelings in the face of male peers who exhibit greater confidence in the workplace. All of these issues, ranging from guilt to inequitable pay, can contribute to Imposter Syndrome in successful women. 

Experts also suggest that women tend to internalize their feelings to a greater extent than men. Researchers therefore theorize that if something goes wrong, women tend to blame themselves, whether or not they were, in fact, at fault. Men, on the other hand, more readily accept the fact that some things are beyond their control. Internalizing these beliefs, rather than discussing them can lead to other emotional issues, including depression and low self-esteem. Over time, harbored Imposter Syndrome can make it difficult to accept praise for any level of accomplishment. 

Ironically, it was the cancer diagnosis that freed her from the relentless grip of Imposter Syndrome. There’s nothing like the possibility of death to force you to face self-defeating behaviors. It was difficult for her to describe the feeling that came with discovering her vague feelings of self-doubt, angst and intellectual fraudulence had a name, and realizing she wasn’t alone was liberating. The experience proved to be a turning point in her life, both professionally and personally. She made the life-altering decision to learn why so many intelligent women like herself set themselves up to fall short. 

According to Dr. Valerie Young author of “Top 10 Ways to Feel as Bright and Capable as Everyone THINKS You Are, ” there are a number of ways to mitigate the negative effects of Imposter Syndrome:

• Recognize imposter feelings when they come up. Awareness is the first step to change, so ensure you track these thoughts: what they are and when they emerge.

• Rewrite your mental script. Instead of telling yourself they are going to find you out or that you don’t deserve success, remind yourself that it’s normal not to know everything and that you will find out more as you progress.

• Talk about your feelings. There may be others who feel like imposters too – it’s better to have an open dialogue rather than harbor negative thoughts alone.

• Consider the context. Most people will experience occasions where they don’t feel 100% confident. There may be times when you feel out of your element and self-doubt can be a normal reaction. If you catch yourself thinking that you are useless, reframe it: “The fact that I feel useless right now doesn’t mean that I really am.”

• Reframe failure as a learning opportunity. Find out the lessons and use them constructively in the future. Use what you’ve learned to minimize your future feelings of self-doubt.

• Be kind to yourself. Remember that you’re entitled to make mistakes occasionally and forgive yourself. Don’t forget to reward yourself for getting the important things right.

• Seek support. Everyone needs help: recognize that you can seek assistance and that you don’t have to do everything alone. Whether it’s a therapist, a friend or someone experiencing the same phenomenon, reach out and bring the problem out in the open where it can be addressed.

• Visualize your success. Keep your eye on the outcome – completing the task or making the presentation, which will keep you focused and calm.

You know that old saying: life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans? That’s what happened to me this past week when I should have been getting Day 7 of my 7 part series posted here. I can blame it on “stuff” getting in the way – like my planning my teleclass, or my daughter’s baby shower, or problems with my computer. Or I can just fess up to it being more about poor planning on my part.  I goofed. I thought I had more time to get ‘er all done, but I didn’t, and so it’s day 7 plus 5. Mea culpa…

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success.

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Mindy’s Story

When I think about my childhood, I understand now how much I was deeply shaped by my culture and upbringing. I grew up in the suburbs, with a mom who was a traditional wife and mother, and a dad who was a high-powered trial attorney. We didn’t want for anything, but despite that very privileged lifestyle, I learned early on that I needed to be successful monetarily – or at least, marry into money. Either you married success or you did it yourself, and that’s what made you a worthwhile person.

Looking back, I can see that this was a tremendous ingrained fear – this deep-seated need to have money in order to have security. It was always lurking in the back of my mind: Do I have enough? Can I make enough? And yet the thought of being responsible for it paralyzed me.

I remember my dad shaking his head and saying, “Mindy, you better marry well” when I came home with a C on one too many math tests. My interest and talents were more artistic than practical, so I went the route of marrying into money rather than making my own. That sounds so cold-blooded and calculating, and it was neither. I didn’t set out to find a wealthy man. I wanted to find the right man; the one I could love and raise a family with, but on an unconscious level I was being drawn to men of means because of the conditioned messages that kept playing in my head.

Fast forward to my 25^th birthday – I was the mother of an 18 month old daughter, and 7 weeks pregnant with our second child. My husband was an associate with a law firm in Atlanta – the same firm his father was a partner in, and his father before him. I had married into tradition; stability; and a white-bread mentality that, while comforting when I was younger, became constricting and repressive as I got older.

I didn’t know much about my husband’s job other than he worked incredibly long hours, traveled a great deal and was paid handsomely. He took care of the bills, the taxes, the investments and I took care of the children and the house. We lived my parents’ marriage. I didn’t push the issue because the thought of balancing a checkbook or sorting through mounds of financial paperwork literally caused me to break out into a sweat. I would hear my father’s voice, dripping with disdain “Marry well.” The shame would burn my cheeks.

Fast forward to my 38^th birthday – I was the mother of two teenagers, and the wife of a criminal. After 13 years of security and stability, my life was in shambles. The unraveling began nine months earlier when my husband was charged with tax evasion and a host of other white-collar crimes. In the months preceding his arrest he managed to clean out our bank accounts and hide whatever he could in offshore accounts.

My birthday present that year was a $350,000 tax bill and no means of paying it. Thus began the death of the old Mindy, and the emergence of the new Mindy, who was no longer going to let anyone other than herself provide for her. As painful as that nine months was, it was in truth, and not at all coincidentally, like giving birth. I was giving birth to my life – fully and completely, with all its terror and triumphs at the age of 38.

The very thing I feared was the very thing I became. And once I got over the fear and stopped listening to those messages from childhood, I learned that I really enjoyed working with numbers. I had a knack for it. I was good at it. My experience was the catalyst to my becoming a financial advisor (how ironic is that); my passion is to help women take off the same blinders I had worn and take responsibility for their financial future. On a low day I can still sometimes hear my dad’s sarcastic chuckle, see the sideways shake of his head, and for a moment I’m that powerless little girl again. But only for a moment.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Marilyn’s Story

All I can ever remember wanting to be was an attorney. Then I spent a year as an exchange student in London and met my husband. We married, returned to California and instead of attending law school I opted to work so we could afford a house and then have a family.

I became a stay at home mom and really enjoyed it, but also rose to the top in several volunteer positions and found that I really liked being a leader and also having a cause to pursue. I think wanting to be an attorney was all about being a warrior. In any event, when my kids grew up and moved away, I thought about law school again, but decided I wasn’t willing to do the work and make the sacrifices it would involve.

Instead, I started my own Professional Organizing business. It was supposed to be a fun, part time hobby (we didn’t need the money). Well it became so successful that it took over my life and became a full time, very successful business. I didn’t even KNOW I liked business, but found out that I loved marketing and sales.

As time went by and I became more successful I had to decide if I wanted to continue growing or just keep to being small. I didn’t want to live with the “what ifs” and “if only’s” so I continued to grow the business. I became a business development coach and speaker.

The trouble was, I often missed my husband and never had time for myself either. I had a stack of “just for fun” books, but no time to read them.

Not too long ago we bought a holiday house on a lake in order to be near our kids and grandkids. The first time I stepped out on the dock and looked out over the serene water, I knew I was ready to slow down and read those books. I WANTED to slow down. I had never considered it before.

So my new goal this year is to develop a business model where I don’t have to travel but can still speak, teach and coach – just as long as I don’t miss my hubby and I have time for myself and the lake.

Turning points come at unexpected times and you must be ready to recognize that turning point when it arrives. I might have ignored the lake calling to me a year ago.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

_________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success…

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side.

Michele’s Story

From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a performer. When I turned 18 I went to New York City to study dance and theater. I was blessed to have received a dance scholarship and my goal was to pursue acting full time when I graduated, but after a few years of barely scraping by a voice in my head told me: “You’ve got to stop thinking like a child and get a real job.”

Truthfully, a lot of this internal voice came from my parents, who even though supportive of my talents and abilities, always wanted me to be realistic about my career. They liked to remind me of the dismal percentage of actors who ever became stars.  How was I going to support myself?

So I listened. I began pursuing the corporate route in publishing, but I just couldn’t give up acting completely. I did off-Broadway plays for little to no money, doing shows and rehearsing in the evenings after working full time during the day. I’d do a couple of productions a year, and because I also loved to write, I wrote monologues and short stories, too.

As the years went by, more and more time was taken away from the creative work I loved in place of my corporate responsibilities. I wasn’t unhappy at work. I got involved in the different projects they’d assign me to and my co-workers were nice. It was all okay, and yet I’d find that by mid afternoon I’d be exhausted and want to go to bed, but I’d push through it until the evening when I’d get to rehearsal and I’d be full of energy again.

My corporate life was very structured and my work wasn’t that challenging. It was stable, though, and the pay was really good so I’d tell myself to be grateful I didn’t have to worry about money. Maybe if I’d been more miserable I would have done something sooner instead of remaining stuck in an unfulfilling life. I had the routine Sunday evening dread, the feeling like my life wasn’t really my own, and yet I didn’t take any action to make a real change. I just kept rationalizing; telling myself I was being selfish and childish to keep thinking about performing as a career. I had responsibilities to my husband, who seemed quite content with the way things were.

Then, at the age of 35 I got an out-of-the-blue call from a man I’d worked with many years earlier who was producing a play in California and he wanted me to choreograph it for him. When I first received the call I told myself: “This is crazy. You can’t do this. You can’t quit your job, leave your husband and go out to California for 4 months.” At the same time, I heard this little voice inside me telling me I needed to pay attention to this opportunity. This time, the inner voice won out.

I had the most amazing time in L.A. Being back in that environment full time made me come alive. I was working harder and working longer hours than ever before, but I didn’t care because I felt so engaged; so happy to be part of it all. I didn’t want it to end. But it did. I remember sitting in the airport waiting for my flight back to New York and thinking: “Now I have to go back to my real life,” and there was no joy in that thought.

Back in New York I was miserable. Where before I had managed to trudge along, not really happy or sad, after getting a taste of the life I truly wanted it was impossible for me to reconcile the joy I felt in L.A. with what I now felt. I was torn between my need to be responsible and my desire to live life on my own terms. So, I vacillated. I bounced back and forth between being pragmatic and being a dreamer, never quite able to let go of the memories of those four months in California.

When I finally drummed up the courage to talk to my husband, I was sure he’d be anything but supportive. I was wrong. He’d seen the woman who came home from L.A. all fired up and alive and he liked her. He’d watched as that fire slowly banked until there were only a few remaining embers. More important to him than the security of two steady incomes was having a wife who wasn’t disconnected from him, from their life together, from everything.

I took it one step at a time, going from full time to part time, to working as an independent consultant. I used the extra free time to pursue my new life. I joined a theater company, and I’m writing all the time, doing plays and assisting with choreography. The work is far less fragmented than I thought it would be, and now that I place a firm value on what I have to offer, I’m being paid better, too.

I had been so depressed in the past, and yet I wasn’t able to take that first step toward the life I knew I wanted. I had to learn to trust myself, and to trust the little voice inside of me. I had to learn to close the gap between responsibility and passion, and discovered that it doesn’t have to be either/or. I can choose the life I’m meant to live and still be responsible. I can show up every day; give it 100% of my effort and be paid for my talents and abilities. I learned I want more than to just make a living. I want to make a life.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

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Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.

For the next 7 days I’ll be sharing one story a day about a woman who reached her turning point. I don’t believe there is a single “way” to transformation. There is only our own unique way, and only we can do the work necessary to achieve our own sacred success… 

We all have them: Those defining moments when the forces of head and heart come together with crystal clarity and we know that what we’ve been doing, or haven’t been doing, is no longer enough. For some of us it’s like standing at the edge of a precipice looking out at the vast open space beyond; for others it’s like standing at a fork in the road, looking left then right, but not moving because we can’t decide which road to take. Still others of us feel that nagging vibration in the pit of our soul that refuses to be silenced.

These moments are defining ones because it’s then that we realize we must make a decision: to jump; to turn in one direction or the other; to listen to the voice reverberating from some still small place within us. It’s then that we reach our turning point. That moment when we acknowledge the need to do something differently; to let go of something that’s holding us back and away; to step into the extraordinary life we glimpse on the other side. 

Simone’s Story

I’ve always been a very driven person. Being the youngest of 5 children and the only girl was fodder for intense competition. Yet I didn’t feel different because I was a girl. I wanted to fit in with them, and I learned early on that crying or complaining didn’t get me anywhere, so I had to play by their rules.

When I left law school and embarked on my career, I landed an associate position in a San Francisco law firm with nearly 500 attorneys. My childhood prepared me for working in a male-dominated, conservative culture so I made the transition quite seamlessly. I worked extremely hard, achieved well and was respected.

I knew how to navigate in male cultures quite well, and was a keen observer of the different workplace dynamics of male versus female behavior. I recognized the nonverbal clues – dress, mannerisms, demeanor – and was willing to subordinate my “feminine side” in order to be successful. It didn’t feel wrong to me since it was something I’d been used to since childhood. I viewed it more as “playing the game,” and since my competitive spirit wanted to win, I did what I had to do to get ahead.

After 16 years this cultural mentality began to chaff. As I moved from my 30s into my 40s I began to resent having to check my femininity at the door in order to be seen by my colleagues and higher-ups as effective. I began to balk at having to downplay certain aspects of my personality because it didn’t mesh with the mores of the firm. I began to realize that there might be another way – a way that was less about competition and more about collaboration.

These feelings were fueled by the fact that, despite being a high achiever, I wasn’t receiving the respect or appreciation that I deserved for what I was bringing to the table. Younger colleagues – lawyers with stronger credentials such as “Harvard” or “Yale” and greater financial achievements – were climbing ahead of me. Suddenly after all these years I wasn’t at the head of the pack any longer, and I didn’t want to do what was required to get there. And the more emphasis my firm placed on these credentials and achievements, the more dissatisfied I became.

I no longer felt like I fit in. I wasn’t “winning” at the game, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to anymore. I came to the realization that none of it was working any longer – not the environment; not the measurements for success and promotion; not the perfunctory leadership. That, coupled with the fact that my two daughters were growing up and I felt a real longing to be there for them in a more substantial way than I had before led me to make some necessary changes.

Where ten years ago I would have felt like a failure for giving up, I now know that “winning at all costs” is not winning at all. I never stopped loving the law, or what I did for a living. What I stopped loving was the way I did it.  Today I am a partner in a 5-person law firm (3 of whom are women) and I am seeing my career through a new lens more focused on integration, respect, consensus, inclusion and appreciation. My competitive spirit is still there, but now it’s augmented by other aspects of my personality that temper its excessive, ego-driven qualities.

I’d love to know what those of you reading this blog post feel about you own turning point. Have you reached it? What was it like for you? Are you beginning to feel that rumble, that nagging restlessness that’s telling you a change is coming? Please share your thoughts and comments here as we explore then next 7 days of turning points.

___________________________________________________________________

Are you a woman executive whose career is beginning to wear like a tight-fitting pair of heels? If so, this call is for you! There is still time to register for my free one-hour teleclass: “Your Turning Point: The First Step Toward Your Extraordinary Life Waiting for You” scheduled for January 12, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. ET/9:00 a.m. PT. The only thing you need to commit to is 60 minutes of your time, and I’d love to have you be a part of the conversation and the journey.  You can learn more by following this link: http://www.evelynkalinosky.com/yourturningpoint.