In the past five months that I’ve spent interviewing women for my forthcoming book on navigating midlife, something rather interesting has come up. In almost equal numbers, midlife women are lining up for or against feeling “invisible” as a result of being 40 and older.
I wasn’t really expecting any one answer when I asked the question about whether or not they felt the media was ignoring them, but I guess I was assuming the responses would be less divided between two opposing camps of thought.
After talking with more than 60 women from all across the country, about 50% expressed concern that they were becoming marginalized because of their advancing years. The other 50% had no such concerns, in fact, I had to define more clearly and concisely what I meant by “invisible” in order for them to answer the question. It just wasn’t on their radar.
It got me thinking about what could account for such a stark difference in perspective. Did it have anything to do with how each person felt they were noticed in their younger years? Would someone who was attractive and used to having attention paid to her because of her looks be someone who begins to feel the world is seeing past her as she ages? Does it have anything to do with attractiveness, or is it something else entirely?
I do know that regardless of which camp these women landed in, neither side had any intention of actually being invisible. Whether or not they felt that the media has failed to keep pace with the midlife woman, they weren’t buying into the outdated belief that any woman past the age of 35 should be fitted for support hose and a rocking chair.
The women I’ve talked with are keenly aware of the various challenges that come with aging, and especially with aging as a woman in our culture. There are few, if any, role models to show them the way, so once again they are the trailblazers for the generations of women coming up behind them – just as they were in the previous decades. It’s a responsibility they don’t take lightly.
I’ve interviewed women who are changing their careers at midlife and beyond; who are going back to college to get their advanced degrees (one woman shared with me her decision to get her PhD so that she can work with teenagers- she’ll be 82 when she’s done with school); who are becoming artists, writers, vagabond travelers, social activists, and the list goes on and on.
What truly makes the difference between aging positively and aging that smacks of loss and decline is attitude. What women should be focusing on – and many, many already are – is acting their stage, not acting their chronological age, since improved health, wealth and resources have given most of them the opportunity to live another 25 years or more once they pass the 50 mile marker. That’s a tremendous stretch of time to spend sitting idly by, watching the world move on without them. Trust me, that is not a role I expect these boomer women to accept.
As a woman who sits squarely in the 50+ demographic, I have never felt more alive, more certain of who and what I am, and more passionate about what I want to share with the world. I do find it rather ironic that just as I feel like I’ve got it all together and am ready to explode out into the world, I’m sensing the cloak of invisibility nipping at my heels. But no worries – I can and will definitely outrun it, and I expect to have a lot of company along the way.
For those of you who are 40 and older, I’d really like to know where you fall in terms of feeling “invisible.” Do you feel the media and advertising does an effective job of marketing appropriately to the 40+ woman? If yes, tell me why you feel this way. If it’s no, please share your reasons and suggestions on what can be done better. Let’s dish, ladies!
About the Author
My name is Evelyn. As Founder & CEO of Evelyn Kalinosky LLC, my coaching practice specializes in working with high-level women executives who want to achieve a more sacred kind of success. The goal is a search for significance, a journey to uncover the wealth of the self, a rite of passage to their highest purpose, and to a life that is as unique as their fingerprint.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I am 55 years old. I have noticed a bit of that cloak of invisibility — but only as it concerns men. It was a shock to realize that I was seen as “older” and not as desirable — but in a strange way it felt like a relief also.
The media seems to market to older women in terms of diseases — bladder control, osteoperosis, arthritis. Once in a while there is a movie that shows us as living full and active and meaningful lives — but I do not take my cues from the media anyway.
The purpose of media is to sell things to make big companies money, not to make you feel better about yourself. (They tell you how terrible your life will be unless you buy their product!) I try not to watch too much — it gives a distorted view of life.
I live a full life — I am still growing and learning and pushing myself to try new experiences.
I’m 50 and don’t necessarily feel ‘invisible’ these days — I do look much younger, so that is probably a not-insignificant factor. I *did*, however, feel *very* invisible when I was in my 30’s and lived in a place with no on-site laundry facilities — which meant I rode the bus to the laundromat, my clothes in plastic bags. I could *see* people actively *not look* at me and even ‘unobtrusively’ shift away from me as I tried to find a seat, assuming I was homeless. It didn’t help that my self-esteem was also taking a beating over not being able to find a job. Ironically, several months later I was temporarily homeless after a year+ of unemployment.
Elaine – I totally agree with your assessment of the ads the media runs for women. If I see one more bladder control or Boniva commercial I think I’ll throw my shoe at the TV. It seems that advertising gurus either see us 40+ women as “cougars” or “crones” – neither of which truly captures the who of what we are. I’m glad to know you don’t take your cues from the media – so many of the women I interviewed are the same way. I salute your attitude and keep up the boycott and serving as a role model for the younger generation of women who have so much to learn from us.
Victoria – I remember when I was in my 20s and my husband and I were just starting out. We moved to a big city and were struggling to put food on the table. At one point I went in to a jewelry store to see how much money I could get for selling my wedding rings. The thought of having to part with my rings was traumatic enough, but the condesending way the sales person looked me up and down has stayed with me for more than 25 years. He judged me in an instant – and not in a favorable way – something that we all do at times whether it’s based on appearance, status, money, or any number of material factors. The result is a feeling of invalidation, invisibility and being marginalized. I feel the pain of your story as if it were my own. Thanks so much for sharing.
I’m 60 years old and I certainly don’t feel invisible. I don’t pay attention to the media. It’s just not in my world. My world is full of people who value me and my experience. It’s actually an asset to be older and experienced as a business coach. I’ve won jobs because of it. This is my time to make my mark on the world, take risks, ignore the nay sayers and tell myself, ‘now or never, go for it’. So I’m charging full steam ahead into other people’s consciousness (whether they know they need me or not). It’s my time to shine and heat up the world with all the brilliance I can muster. I hope to shine the light on the path for others to follow as well. Thanks, Evelyn, for asking.
I am 45 and I am Czech. I live in the Czech Republic where the society tends to pay attention primarily to young attractive women. In part, this may be due to the young democracy but given the tradition and history, it is a conservative and masculine society. I feel great at my age but I also know that I have to keep developing my social circle for years to come. That’s why I started a women club focusing on discussions with interesting people about interesting topics, inviting women with fascinating life stories (plenty, given the history of former Czechoslovakia). I guess what I am trying to say we all can create exciting and interesting life, knowing what we know at this age and having lived through all the life lessons. The key is to share with other women and encourage those who need it.
Wow, Evelyn. This is a *great* post and very well-written. I hadn’t considered this a concern in my case. I am 42, and like one of the women above said, I don’t look my age so I have gone about my merry way thinking it isn’t an issue for me. However, others have brought it to my attention that it may play a part in why I haven’t secured a position since this recession began and I lost my last job. Personally, I think it’s because I am trying to downgrade my career to upgrade my life, meaning I used to be a well-paid consultant but now wish to take an assistant position so that I have more time to devote to my personal projects that just may become my career. I get my foot in the door but once my background, salary history and resume are fully reviewed, I know I’m seen as more of a risk than an asset. Won’t I leave as soon as something better comes along?
So, no, I don’t *feel* invisible but I am concerned that I am seen more risky than someone newer to the market with more to prove than I.
I think that if we are not careful we can become invisible under the cloak of fears, depression and anxiety. Freedom is knowing that we can breath in life of re-invention, refreshing ideas and restoring perspectives.
Thats for this thought challenging post!
Evelyn,
This is an outstanding post! I will be 60 in Nov. of this year. Invisible?? Not me! I’m too futuristic and have too many dreams to become invisible. If I have a goal, I press on until I have reached it. This year I had had a book published, was called to Hollywood to film a series of exercise dvds with Donna Richardson Joyner, and have so many projects going I can’t keep up with them.
If one feels ivisible, stand up and do something proactive to prove that your best years are yet to come. The media sometimes come to me, but more often, I am searching them out.
I you believe that age is a state of mind, you will never feel invisible.
Terrific article! Do I feel invisible? Sometimes, more particularly in the employment market. I am 56 and have been unemployed over a year. I have applied for so many jobs and can’t even get a call back for an interview. I feel strongly that my age has a lot to do with it. I don’t look my age, dress fashionably, keep up with current events, participate in outside activities, yet can’t help feeling a little down over this situation. I’ve followed all the tips for the mature job seeker, listing my last 2 jobs only – which truthfully is a give away since one of the jobs lasted 18 years. I’ve listed my technology skills to not appear dated etc. Followups have given me excuses (in my opinion) you’re overqualified, this is an entry level position, the salary isn’t commensurate with your experience. So I continue to seek advice on how to become gainfully employed and make my age and experience a plus rather than a negative.
The other compartments of my life I do not feel invisible or inadequate. A husband who thinks I’m beautiful and sexy, grandchildren that think I’m awesome, friends that fulfill me, all give me a positive feeling that my life and I are terrific! I participate in life full speed ahead and have no intention of being invisible, but being gainfully employed is an important piece of the mosaic that is my life.
Cathy: Thanks so much for being so open and honest about key challenges you’re facing now, particularly in the employment area. Unfortunately I have heard this many times from many women (and men) who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s and looking for work. I am so impressed with your ability and determination to remain positive in the face of this challenge and to realize that your life is about more than just your job. There is a website called Branding50.com (www.branding50.com) that talks about how to brand yourself after age 50. If you’re interested check it out and check out Marva Goldsmith’s work in this area: “In today’s career marketplace, it is no longer appropriate to “look for a job;” you must brand yourself as a product in a very competitive marketplace.” I wish you all the best and am confident that someone will be smart enough to recognize your talents. Please write again and let me know how things are going.
Pam,
Good for you! What an inspiration you are to so many – regardless of age or gender – about how to live life full out! I will be shamelessly promoting my book when it’s finished and am a firm believer that if the mountain won’t come to me, I’ll go to it. Thanks for reading and commenting, and keep on rockin!
You’re right Rosie, more than age, more than appearance, more than anything, we run the risk of becoming invisible at our own hand the most by letting fears get in our way. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy when it comes to recognizing what we have to offer and what we’re capable of. We talk ourselves out of things not because we fear we will fail, but because we fear we will succeed. Many of us fear having that kind of light shine on us, but who are we to play small?
Patricia,
You bring up some really valid points about what potential employers might view as “risky.” When a strong, successful, competent woman comes along and wants to call the shots in terms of the kind of work she wants to do and the number of hours she wants to put into a job I think employers see a red flag. Is this someone who will commit to us? Is this someone who will give 100% when she is only willing to work so many hours? Also, if you were a successful consultant who is now looking to work in an assistant position, they may question your abilities since they might not be able to understand that for you it’s all about balance, and living a fully engaged life. I have no doubt that you will get through this hurdle – when one door closes another one opens. I’ve had that happen to me more than once. It doesn’t mean I didn’t feel disappointed or that I didn’t question my abilities, but I had a strong faith that the right position would present itself and I needed to remain open to see it when it appeared.
Margareta,
What a wonderful idea to create a women’s club to focus on women with fascinating life stories. And you’re right – we can all create exciting and interesting lives having lived through all of life’s lessons. At midlife we have learned so much, but we still have much to learn. We should continue to tell our stories and to be open to adventures and opportunities that come our way (or that we ourselves create) regardless of our age. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this post and to share some of what’s happening in your home country.
Jeri,
I totally agree that this is now time for you to make your mark on the world, especially since I know you personally and know that you spent the first half of your life dedicated to raising your family and giving your three children wings to fly. Now it’s your turn to fly and fly you are! Continue to be an inspiration to your clients, your friends, your family and the world at large. We need your special kind of sunshine!