Someone asked me the other day why I refuse to refer to the transition that occurs for most women in midlife as a “crisis.” While it’s true that the word “crisis” means a crucial or decisive point or situation, or a turning point, it also has about it an air of instability and upheaval. There’s a negative connotation to the word, which perpetuates the stereotype of women being emotional and irrational. While both men and women experience the inevitability of midlife, it’s largely women who are branded with the super-charged “C” word.
I’m more comfortable with “midlife transition” or “midlife awakening” or any phrase that allows women to embrace in a more positive way what it means to age. Midlife transforms you from the person you were to the person you were meant to be. It’s a new birth, a new beginning, an opportunity to pursue dreams and goals that were neatly tucked away in the “someday” file we kept in the back of our minds while we raised our children or launched our careers, or both.
It’s like an automatic “do-over” when you hit midlife (not that we’d necessarily want to redo our lives up to this point). It’s a take stock, take no prisoners exhumation of the soul, which if done with courage and exacting honesty, enables us to pull out that “someday” file and sift through the dreams, aspirations and goals that are ripe for implementation now.
I can think of so many women in my life who have rummaged through their own private “someday” file and are leading more authentic lives: a former colleague who turned down a promotion to have more time with her family; a friend who forfeited a steady income to launch a new business; another who started a family at 45; still another who went back to school to earn her PhD at 65.
It’s a heady time for midlife women. We can be grandmothers in our 40s or be first-time moms. We can be launching new businesses or reaching the pinnacle of our career trajectory. We have so many opportunities that our mothers never had, largely because of the struggle we engaged in to redefine women’s roles, and the way in which we kicked to the curb the rules about what women should and shouldn’t do.
When I think of my own experience with navigating the transition from my late 30s through my 40s, “crisis” is not the word that comes to mind (although I’m guessing that family and friends don’t necessarily agree with that statement). The journey was a bit rocky, but largely because I wouldn’t get out of my own way and let go of all the outdated beliefs I had about myself. Once I turned off those old, worn out tapes I was able to access my “someday” file and create this new, increasingly more authentic chapter of my life.
After a lifetime of being all things to all people, I felt the call of something deeper and I connected with my purpose and deep intention for my life. Because we don’t live in a vacuum, I felt the external twists and turns, and shifts in perspective that come with any major life transition, but for the most part, the transition was an internal one. It was a long last look at the life I had led. It was a journey of gratitude and appreciation for where I had been, and it became an invitation to where I had yet to go. At the end of all the reflection, I made an offering to myself to open up to another way, another life that rings more true to the woman I am in this moment. My next transition involves a search for significance, an expedition to uncover the wealth of the self, a rite of passage to my highest purpose and to a life that is as unique as my fingerprint.
About the Author
My name is Evelyn. As Founder & CEO of Evelyn Kalinosky LLC, my coaching practice specializes in helping C-suite and senior-level women executives 40 and older achieve a more sacred kind of success. For these women, the desire to play a bigger game requires a strong profit motive, but making money is no longer the goal. The goal is a search for significance, a journey to uncover the wealth of the self, a rite of passage to their highest purpose, and to a life that is as unique as their fingerprint.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Evelyn,
I’ve enjoyed and identified with your thoughts on re-careering and midlife transitions. Leaving the comfort of the safe is sometimes present, the call for something more adventurous and fulfilling is sometimes present. But for me the call to achieve another level of significance for the world as well as my expectations of myself was the overwhelming part of the evolution. And it is an evolution to recreate your life in new directions with new challenges. It’s exhilarating and at the same time scary. If you really want to be good, (I mean really good) at your new direction, you have to reach deep inside and bring out lots of creativity, the self-confidence of maturity, trust that everything you’ve achieved so far will be a catalyst for the future, and the absolute belief that the world needs what you’re about to offer. Truly, the journey forward begins inward.
Well said, Jeri! In order for better to come, good must go. I’m paraphrasing a quote I remember reading, and it certainly applies to our third age. For many like yourself, that drive is so strong, so overwhelming, it causes you to rethink everything in order to get from where you were to where you need to go. I know your search for significance will lead you far.
Evelyn
I certainly identify with both you ladies. I wonder if this feeling doesn’t come in part from having done as much in my old skin as possible, and the only option for experiencing new things is to shed that skin and go au naturale for a while. Maturity teaches us we have so much more to contribute than the path we made for ourselves while in our 20’s.
Tonya,
You’ve got it! Absolutely! I like your reference to shedding the skin as a way of letting go of the old to make way for the new. Both have their place and their significance in our lives, but we have to let go in order to grab hold of something else. Enjoy your journey to the wealth of the self!
Ah, yes! I’m releasing a new audiobook in February entitled “Do-Over! How Women Are Reinventing Their Lives.” For a sneak preview: http://www.anndaly.com/do-over.html
Greetings-
I enjoyed your article. I too am transitioning and in the process letting those around me who are not used to my changes know that I am emerging as someone who is more fulfilled and positive. Thanks for sharing!
You’re absolutely right; midlife “crisis” is not an appropriate term. It may feel like a crisis for the other people in our lives whose needs we have always put before our own. It’s really scary for those people if we start taking care of ourselves, reinventing ourselves, and focusing on our dreams. It changes our relationship agreements.
Another change of focus is how the medical community and society as a whole can look at menopause. My husband is an OB/GYN who very firmly says, “Menopause is not a disease!”
Good article.
Gloria: Congrats to you for finding the courage to move forward, even in the face of opposition you may find from others who don’t necessarily want you to change. I found that to be true. For the most part, many of my friends and family adapted to my changes and my growth, but there were some who would not, could not, and as a result it became necessary to pull away from the relationships. There is an ebb and flow to life, and to relationships, and I’m sure what you are finding is that new people are coming in to your life who are responding to the person you’re becoming. I’d love to know how your transition goes, so please feel free to post again or contact me directly.
Pixie:
I had to laugh when I read your statement about how it might feel like a crisis for those around us – so true! As a recovering people pleaser I know I left a number of people trembling and gasping for air the first few times I said “no” to something and put myself first. I had to remember that I had been going through the transition for some time internally before I began to verbalize my feelings and that I needed to allow others to have that same time to adjust. After all, I had changed – and change isn’t easy to accept for many people.
You’re right that it changes our relationship agreements. We have to rewrite them, renegotiate them, and in some cases, we have to let them go because they no longer serve us.
Kudos to your husband for “getting it.” I hope there are more out there like him in the medical community, but even if there aren’t we need to make our needs clear and refuse to accept the negative, outdated belief system around what it means to go through menopause and what it means to age. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, and I’m glad you found the article relevant and useful.
Loved this, Evelyn. You expressed yourself so beautifully. I sent it on to a friend of mine who is just starting her transition to the person she was meant to be. I can’t think of a better way to start that transition than with your wise words.